Until my friend Towanda mentioned it, I’ve never really gave much thought to me being a functioning depressive person. I know there are times when my lows are overwhelming but as always I pick myself up out of the ‘funk’ because what else would I do? What else can I do? There’s no time for me to wallow in all the things that have happened to me. To wallow in my version of the blues. As a person without parents, I’ve learned to depend on myself for my emotional needs. There was a time where I wanted to lean on my friends, but I could scream at the top of the highest building that I need them to check in on me, see how I am doing, reciprocate the things that I do for them, hell even a fraction of how I show up and show out for them, but most don’t.
As a friend, I do certain things out of the kindness of my heart. I know what it’s like to want someone to give a fuck about you, and they don’t. So I do my best to show up for others in a way I’d want someone to show up for me. For example, Mother’s Day gets a bit easier for me, yes, but I STILL am without a mother, so if I am wishing you a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or checking in with you because you no longer have one, ASK ME HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING! Cuz maybe I’m at my tipping point but its June, so eh. All I can do is keep moving forward.
Speaking to my friend, Ty, she mentioned I am a nurturer and I agree but I need to pour every single drop back into my damn self. So whatever the question, the answer is No.
I feel everything about this I feel like I’m always there for people feel like I wasted so much time I coulda put in with my mom on so called friends and everyday to me feels like I don’t have time to waste like nothing can wait I go thru like 5 different feelings in one day jus feel lost
I truly understand. All I can say is cherish the time you did have with her.
I only received 17 years with my mother, her memory is fading as I get older. For me personally, nobody asked how I was feeling, felt, on Mother’s Day for example. Even the folks I reached out to. So it’s whatever.