Until my friend Towanda mentioned it, I’ve never really gave much thought to me being a functioning depressive person. I know there are times when my lows are overwhelming but as always I pick myself up out of the ‘funk’ because what else would I do? What else can I do? There’s no time for me to wallow in all the things that have happened to me. To wallow in my version of the blues. As a person without parents, I’ve learned to depend on myself for my emotional needs. There was a time where I wanted to lean on my friends, but I could scream at the top of the highest building that I need them to check in on me, see how I am doing, reciprocate the things that I do for them, hell even a fraction of how I show up and show out for them, but most don’t.
As a friend, I do certain things out of the kindness of my heart. I know what it’s like to want someone to give a fuck about you, and they don’t. So I do my best to show up for others in a way I’d want someone to show up for me. For example, Mother’s Day gets a bit easier for me, yes, but I STILL am without a mother, so if I am wishing you a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or checking in with you because you no longer have one, ASK ME HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING! Cuz maybe I’m at my tipping point but its June, so eh. All I can do is keep moving forward.
Speaking to my friend, Ty, she mentioned I am a nurturer and I agree but I need to pour every single drop back into my damn self. So whatever the question, the answer is No.
Why wait for 2018? Do it Now.
Recently I listened to a video snippet, and the author told me, why wait until 2018 to make the changes you’d like to make?
And shorty, is right! Why am I going to wait until 2018 to start fresh, when everyday I wake up translates to a new beginning? With the rise of the sun, I am able to decide who I want to be and who I want in my World. Everyone’s manual for living looks different, so I have to find the instructions that work best for me. Find the people who work best, with my vibe, who brings out the best in me. Letting go is extremely hard for me, especially since my mother died. I hold on to folks tight, I look past their wrongdoings at my own detriment and I allow them to stay in my World. I find them sucking the life from me, and once I’ve hit rock bottom only then do I let them go.
This situation, this friendship, this love is NO longer serving me. Its no Longer allowing me to grow, no longer allowing me to be the best version of myself, no longer making me happy. I wish you the best, take care, thank you. I’ve found that speaking this outloud makes the transition easier. Can people change, sure they can, but for my own peace, they have to change elsewhere. Protecting my own energy is my top priority, everyone can and will be second my own self. Eff how they feel.
I’ve had a few light stealers, and I’ve let each and everyone of them go. God Bless ‘Em
I don’t participate in the “New Year, New Me” however I’m still the same person, not looking to change overnight. I am however learning to push myself to be the best version of myself. So everyday I get up, I actively do my best to be happy. I am tired of living in negativity of my own doing, my own words against myself. It sucks the energy right out of you! I want to keep my blue days, for when I am sick with the flu.
I don’t make new years resolutions cuz I will never keep them for more than a day. My mind is not wired to remember something like that. So I am actively working on being genuinely happy. I want to always have a smile on my face, I want to feel good about the decisions I am making, and the content that I’m putting into the World.
That is the life I am looking to live.
January 2nd is the anniversary of my first love committing suicide.
Its like you are excited for the beginning of the year, a chance to do a massive reset on your life and the folks in it, but then bam! 48 hrs later you are brought back to a place mentally, where you almost didn’t survive the first time. Sometimes I have to really question if he is gone. Sigh. Life don’t owe me anything! I live my life to the fullest as there are folks who aren’t here to do so. As much as I wish I could wish Ali back to Life, I don’t possess those powers. If you are fighting depression you DO NOT have to fight it alone. I am here. I love you and I’ll help you get through it all.
Ali left behind a daughter.
Please take care one another.