I’m ALive

You know, I don’t know if I ever told y’all this, but 22 years ago, I tried to commit suicide. Its not a laughing matter but I laugh when the memory comes up in my mind. Geraldine died, and I was like welp, me too! I would’ve missed out on this beautifully crafted life, I’ve created for myself, and knowing that, makes the decision that much more tragic! Could you imagine me not existing? ME either. I was chatting with my niece today about it, and she said she had thought of that memory recently as well. All of it happening is so clear to me, but I can’t remember what was my final straw, my thirteenth reason. I just remember making the decision, and taking the pills.

Once again, I am so happy to be alive, even in these weird ass times. I can still find joy, even in the bleakest of places. All that to say, things might be hard, might even feel like things will never get better, BUT I promise you they will! It can’t always be bad.

I love you!

Jonez.

Friendless in Chicago

When I have no one to chat with, I know I can always come here and be received. Even if, sometimes it feels like I’m talking to myself here too. But its a safe space, and I’ll always appreciate that I’ve created this for myself.

So I need some friends. I KNOW, this has been the topic for forever. But this time its not my fault that I don’t have any. I’ve met a few people, but the energy is lackluster. I’m not saying we have to chat everyday, but I think it has to be more than once a month. No? I am tired of being the one to carry the conversation, and ultimately the friendship. So now I don’t even feel like attempting to make friends with anyone.

Oh! And I was friendly with a coworker, and after suggesting two events, she ghosted me when I inquired about more information. And the more being, what day would you like to go to said events. THEN when I said something about it to her, after the days had passed, she said she figured I wasn’t interested. Like what?

SOS, Tristan J.

Most Proud.

I just finished watching the Megan thee Stallion documentary, and one of the parts that made me mist up was the end, when she said she knew her mother would be proud of her. I used to wonder, and if I’m honest, I still wonder if my mother is proud of me. I know she would be disappointed in her brothers and sisters with the way they handled me since she passed. I know she would be angry with my sister for how she’s handled this time, and how she’s treated me. I’m sure she would off her some grace, and really try to see things through her lens. But proud of me?

I honestly don’t know. She put education first, and I didn’t graduate from college, so I think she would be disappointed, I didn’t continue my education. In my defense, the real World gave me the education. Instead of books, I was out there really learning how Life was. In addition, I’ve been to the places in the books I would’ve studied. I’ve been able to experience Roman architecture, Cuisine from all around the World, all the while learning to trust myself, and boost my confidence.

I don’t think this might’ve been the Life she saw for me, but I think she would understand who I am. This version of myself. With the tools I had, I created a Life that I love, a life that I didn’t know I COULD live, and one that I’m excited to wake up to living. SO I take what I said earlier back, Not only would she be proud, she would be most proud of who I am, and how I’ve grown from that 17 year old girl she left behind.

Jonez.

DR, Resident.

I’ve been watching The Resident on Netflix, and there’s been a few episodes that have had me in my feelings but one moreso. So Idk if this is actual hospital procedure, but If you are needing a new lung, you FIRST have to have a support system of two people BEFORE they can even put you on the list. Naturally, I was thinking about my own life, and If that was my diagnosis, I would be dead. I know my niece would probably be able to assist me, but I would even want to place that much of a burden on her. Especially since she has her own life to live. Then there’s having a medical proxy, just in case something ever should happen to you, and your not able to speak up about the things you’d like to have happen.

You know Its really fucking scary outside.

Jonez

Mothers Day.

Since my mother has been gone for 21 years, mothers day, don’t really bother me anymore. Not like it used to, but its still a holiday I don’t celebrate. This year was a bit different as a friend hit me with a voice note early in the day, acknowledging the significance of today, and making sure I’m taking care of myself. It’s nice to have people who genuinely give af about you, AND show it. Although I’m still building, its nice to have a community, no matter how small.

Jonez.

Ghost.

Cuz I tell y’all my business, but y’all. So I attempted to kinda sorta chat with someone, and babes, it went bad, horrid, in fact. It was long distance, but I’m cool with that since I fly, its no biggie to me. And things were moving along real cute, but then we had a bout of miscommunication, and they said I didn’t respond in a way they expected, and they aren’t used to that. So to make peace, I apologized. Sidenote, I will never mind apologizing to someone If I hurt their feelings, because we cant debate on how we made someone feel. I can only explain my intentions. I didn’t really appreciate how the energy changed, and they did nothing to try to quell it.

About a week goes by, and the energy is still the same. I’ve already apologized, so why aren’t we moving forward? One thing I’m not going to do is, press someone for information about how they are feeling. You are grown. If there’s a problem, then speak up. Also I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to chat because we started as friends. Its always risky turning a friendship into something more, but that’s the risk you take. At this point, they haven’t returned my text message or my phone call so I’m going to leave it where it landed. Cuz if they wanted to, they would’ve.

Jonez.

Here.

Do you ever look around, figuratively, and be like wow, how did I get here?

A cousin left a comment on my recent instagram carousel of me being very touristy in London, and said “I love that you[re] living your best life” and that really made me be like, I cant believe I am here. I am from the hood, multiple hoods actually but still. When I was 17 I was getting kicked out of many people’s home, and having to figure shit out on my own. And this isn’t a woe is me post, just saying. I came from that, but the one thing that set me up early was I had a mother who made me believe If I wanted to do it, I could. The it didn’t matter. Whatever it was, was 10000% possible for me to achieve. I think for that reason, nothing seems impossible to me, it all falls on me, and how much effort I want to put into the thing.

I wish I could tell 17 year old me, babes, you have nothing to worry about. Life is going to be so good, so much fun, there’s so much adventure coming. I’m glad that my suicide attempt didn’t work, cuz I would’ve missed out on all of this! And that would’ve been the Real Tragedy.

Jonez

Living Lessons

No matter how good your intentions are, sometimes people have to fail. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. No matter how much knowledge you have about something, If they are not willing to at least be open to listening, then let it be. Also, I am NO future teller, and I don’t see the future but when something is a known pattern, and you’re trying to pass on what it is you KNOW, you cant force them to listen. I, personally don’t do chaos. No matter the subject, I’m going to make a plan. That plan won’t be extensive, but I have an outline of what’s priority IF something should go awry. Because Murphy’s law, anything that can go wrong will, and babes, I refuse to run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

This was really a reminder to myself, offer your advice BUT if its not wanted, zip it. Full Stop.

Allow folks to make whatever decisions they deem necessary but also let them experience the consequences of said decisions too. So in the future they will make a different set of decisions.

Jonez.

frens.

I know y’all are tired, beyond tired of me complaining about having no friends, but I don’t know where else to vent. I even thought about removing all the subscribers, cuz maybe y’all are really tired of reading this sob story, about little me, but then I figured, when y’all have had enough, y’all would remove me yallselves. So this time I went back on Bumble BFF but Idk, folks say they want friends but if you barely respond to messages what the point? I am a consistent person, just always have been. I get that people have responsibilities, as do I, but to create a friendship with a stranger you have to be willing to chat with them a bit. Maybe its in my destiny to just be a loner forever cuz I’m not sure what else I can do to interact with others.

Jonez.

Home

Currently I’m sitting in the living room, sipping a jack and ginger, listening to the wind outside. And I cant help but be grateful for where I am in Life, above all physically. I am actually living in Chicago, in my apartment. I have a roof over my head, whereas a few years ago, things wasn’t this good. Even though everyday isn’t a 10 day, most are. I am Happy. Genuinely! usually randomly I think about when I was 17, bouncing from couch to couch to subway train, to couch to wherever because nobody wanted me to stay in their house. I was an inconvenience, seems like to All, including my bio dad. I think about my nieces and my nephew, I could never treat them as such. NEVER. Even my sibling, If I was able to provide a safe space for someone I loved who needed it, I would. Yes we could chat about boundaries, and etc, but the first point, would be to make them feel safe, wanted and Loved.

I really am the luckiest girl in the World. I get to live in my dream city, and have fun when I’m at work. In my wildest dreams, I didn’t dream of this. Being able to come home, feel free to be my weirdest self, safe and happy, is my greatest achievement thus far.

Jonez.

But …

This week I got paid, and the first thing was to pay all the bills. Although I don’t write my totals on a envelope like my mum used to do, it damn there felt like the same thing. It was also my first paycheck from being on vacation, and my OJI (on the job injury) so the budget was set up for my expenses. Being an adult is interesting, because I am able to do WHATEVER it is I choose. Granted those decisions come with consequences, but still, I can do anything. Sigh, and here I spent it paying bills. the ghetto lol. Its funny how we grow up, and put away the things we used to do as children. I wouldn’t change it for the World tho.

Jonez.

And of course, the paycheck I need to settle my accounts, is when every singer is announcing their tours. However one thing we’re gonna do, is go to a show.

Auntie’s Baby

So I’m back from gallivanting, and it was such a fun little adventure.

But I think my family, on both sides are out of their minds. Facillating a relationship with your nieces/nephews should start when they’re young, but If circumstances doesn’t allow for that, more accordingly. I fully understand what it’s like to not have access to them because you do not communicate with their parent, whether that’s your brother or sister, but once you ARE able to then do so. In this instance, I am an adult, so if you are making the effort as my aunt, or cousin, or whatever the relation, then its UP TO YOU, to put forth the work. Reciprocity, will come into the picture later, but in the beginning stages, baby that’s all you. So giving yourself a boundary/timeline would be a good thing. My aunts on my father side claim to want a relationship with me, but aren’t consistent in communication. If you’re only chatting with me once every six months then I am going to act accordingly.

I am an aunt, with has a shit relationship with my sister but I have to move according to the bounds of which I am allowed. Thankfully my nephew has a mobile device, but he’s still a child, so it’ll go uncharged for days, etc. Its up to me to call, to text, to leave messages and videos, all of the things because I am the adult. I do not expect him to call me regularly, because again, he is a child, so the weight falls on me IF I want to have that relationship with him. If I want us to have an aunt/nephew relationship I have to put in the work now so that in the future when he’s older, he’ll know how to foster relationships of his own.

Jonez.