Its approaching four months since I’ve dared to write. Dared to put my thoughts to ‘paper’. Seems like such a short time, and with so many new things happening. It’s weird how we go to bed feeling, and being one way, and wake up anew. I’ve had plenty to say, but no real desire to share. If I’m being honest, the one comment I received questioning who I was as person, and the decisions I made in regards to others, kinda took the fun out of this. Out of expressing myself, out of being who I am for all to see with no restrictions.
This is my safe space. My sacred space. And to have someone come in and feel entitled to expressing themselves in such manner, nah. I was scared to write and be judged or bashed for the things I freely chose to say. So with that in mind, I am throwing all that to the wind. I’m going to say whatever the fuck I want, and If anyone has feelings, well Fuck your feelings.
Love Always, Tristan Jonez.
I NEVER want anyone to be brutally honest with me about anything but I would like folks to be wholly honest. Purposely omitting, telling half truths, isn’t the same as being fully honest, especially when you’re an adult. I’ve lived with the idea, if I am asking a question, I am prepared to received the harshest of news. Once again, If I am asking, I want to know the answer. And its ‘honorable’ to not want to hurt my feelings but you can’t control the narrative because you’re afraid of what my following action MIGHT be. If you set up the explanation in a way that I believe something that isn’t fully correct, then you’ve lied.
And Nobody wants to be bothered with a liar. Tighten Up!
Don’t ask why, but I thought I would be married by 25. LOL I know. I didn’t understand the concept of age or time then, sometimes I still don’t. But its weird, cuz I still don’t have kids, the only one in my friend group, and I don’t know If I will ever have kids. Slowly, Very Very slowly I’m becoming okay with the thought of NEVER having kids. Its weird cuz I know I would be such a great mom! However with my job, my (lack) support system, and being single, its becoming more of a possibility that I just won’t have children. Plus If I did, I would have to give up my window seat, and frankly, I don’t want to sit in the middle OR the aisle seat, so Bloop.
Its a question I don’t think there’s an actual answer for but, at what point do little black boys no longer get to be carefree?
Today while waiting on the platform for the el, in Chicago, there was a group of white boys, walking with their skateboards, looking as If they didn’t have a care in the World. Just friends meeting up to go skate in the park, and have a good time. Although I didn’t see it, I KNOW when they got to the top of the stairway, the two cops paid them no attention, probably even told them to be careful while riding their skateboards. I also KNOW that if it had been black boys with their skateboards, walking so carefree thru the station, things might’ve looked different. The cops may not have said anything BUT, the black boys would adhere to a certain stature, a certain walk, that mindfulness, that we seem to all have, when reminded of our skin color.
Last Summer I captured the epitome of #Blackboyjoy And #Blackboycarefree. Its such a ‘fuck you’ to society to capture its essence. I love that for us!
I woke up today, thinking about how short life is, but not in a morbid way. In a factual way. Basically I woke up to reality! To knowing that our time on this Earth is limited, and we should, no we MUST do all the things. Speaking for myself, its so easy to get caught up in the everyday routine. I want to make the days count, I want to look back on my life, knowing that I enjoyed it as much as I could. I want to travel, I want to create memories with folks, I want people to think of me and have warm & fuzzy feelings.
I’m not fooling myself into thinking everyday will be an adventure but I want my everyday to count. For whatever reason, I’ve been waking up at the crack of dawn, the birds have be singing to me lately, and I have to appreciate those moments. So I’ve said all that to say, Please Enjoy The Moments!
You didn’t ask but I haven’t been sleeping well at all. Even with my melatonin, I just can’t sleep! My bed, shout out to my best friend, is comfortable as ever but I lay in it, lights turned off and I just cant sleep! Last night was Day Three of Operation No Sleep! Sigh.
So When I got up at 7am, I know, I was seeking something to assist me. Here comes Bath Time! Yes, at 8am, I cleaned my tub, and prepped for a bath. In my circle of friends, I am the bath Queen. No matter my mood, or what’s going on in the World around me, Its always a great time to take a bath. I made a lil bath cocktail (Ingredients layered to create a bath mood) and while I was in there, I focused on exfoliating my body. So scrub scrub scrub, with a pumice on my feet, and with a sugar body scrub for everything else. Can I tell y’all how relaxed, and chill I was? Listen! … If that bath date, self care routine doesn’t help me sleep, then shit I might be a lost cause.
As I get older, the things I find attractive in a man changes slightly.
A man who is consistent, who knows and understand the art of consistency, will forever get my time. I also believe consistency is such a quality for me, since my worklife is inconsistent. There are some days, most days, where I don’t know where I am going to end up, after flying all day. So knowing there’s someone who is putting in the work, keep a part of my Life, routined, puts me at ease for living. So shout out to the men, who are consistent with me, and with the life we create together.
I wouldn’t be me If I didn’t have some type of happening happening in my life. So, I think yall have been update with most of the back and forth between my father and I. This week, it hit the tipping point, and I’ve made the decision to end communication with him. I am not of the age, where I am going to keep being disrespected, especially when I am not engaging in any behavior. I think at this point, he’s being mentally abusive with my emotions, and the highs and lows are just too much. One minute he doesn’t like me and wants nothing to do with me, then the next moment, literally the next day, I am his daughter who he loves more than anything.
We have an exchange of text messages, and I made the decision to block him from contacting me again. If you cant love me, as needed, then I am not going to allow you to freely hurt me.
Fellas, stop introducing women to a vibe you cannot maintain. Whatever that vibe may be. I get it, when you initially meet a person you want to be the very best version of yourself, even if it means, not fully being the person you are … on a daily basis. As a woman, we are already conditioned to know we are meeting a mans representative when we first meet you anyway, so we take the things you do with a grain of salt. Not meaning we aren’t appreciative of whatever it is you are doing but we are looking to see if the actions you put forward are ones, that you are being consistent with.
See that? It ALL Narrows down to consistency.
Please remember that as you move forward wooing the ones you are attempting to woo. Effort is everything, but consistency is the hill on which effort lives.
I know I am meant to live by the ocean, beach vibes is me. In fact, I am working towards, being able to live in a beach town, but before I do that, I want to spend a year in Chicago. So sometimes when I am not able to sleep, I reach for a little ‘white’ noise. My absolute favorite on Spotify is the playlist, 300 Ocean Waves. When you’re settled into bed, under the covers, its almost as if you are actually laying on the beach. I can almost feel the gentle warm breeze, and before I can emerge myself into the wave, I’m sleep.
I can be the person that falls asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but some nights I need a sprinkle of magic. Most nights its Waves, but I switch to Rain hitting a surface, crickets or even the forest sounds. Do you ever need assistance falling asleep?
Oh and sometimes, I’ll turn on airplane noises, for fun, of course!
Of Course, Me. I don’t know if its because I haven’t been flying in over 290 days, but I am always so tired. I find myself, no my body screaming for the bed as soon as the last passenger steps off the aircraft. However, even with the federal mask mandate in place, its a pleasure to fly. Although I did have one flight, Vegas to Chicago, that made me reconsider being a flight attendant. Then, after a few drinks, I remembered I like not knowing the price of a airplane ticket, and Italy looks great on me. I’ve been flight leader twice, and with all that’s currently going on in life, thats the position thats for me. Until I find my groove being back in the cabin, I think I’ll continue being flight lead.
With being off for so many days, It is taking me a bit of time to reclaim myself with my own little quirks, but I’m taking it trip by trip. Not that I do anyway, I haven’t filled my board with mad trips, so I can slowly find what works for me now. When my body needs to rest, I need to make sure I have the days off to accommodate her.
“You cant force anyone into being anything other than themselves.”
Today, Well yesterday, I had a conversation with my sibling, and later on, playing back the conversation, I realized I cant make anyone do anything! Not that I thought I could. But you know how you believe that if you do more of what you want in return, that they would get it, and be what’s wanted, will be returned? We KNOW it doesn’t work that way, I know it doesn’t but I was selfish in that regard. A person will only do what they want, AND if they aren’t doing that thing … then they don’t want to.
Thats why finding your tribe is such an important act of love. Finding likeminded people, who genuinely show love, or are genuinely interested in what the things you are, makes living your best life so worth it! Its like finding the most supportive bestie, who only wants to see you succeed. Who only wants to pour into you, as you pour into them. If you have a tribe, consider yourself blessed! If you are still searching for your tribe, keep looking babe, they are out there!