As I fly to my destination, my mind thinks about what life would look like if I didn’t miscarry when I was five months pregnant, I was twenty two. My daughter would be gearing up to turn eleven, as my due date was in November.
Melody Marie Washington. I’m not sure if I’ve ever revealed her name outside of telling my family. We named her Melody cuz she was the heartbeat, she was the song that brought joy to us, especially on the days where the two of us, my ex and I, wasn’t enough. Ultimately loosing her, may have been a blessing in disguise as I’ve gone on to do things I may not have done if I was a mother. As I get older, I still randomly think about her, how I would’ve been as a mom, and will I ever get the opportunity to become a parent.
However I do smile at the thought of knowing my mom, has a buddy in heaven with her, and she’s taking very good care of my Melody.
I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with my dad. And I can’t tell when the next time we will have one. Well, Father’s Day and his birthday is coming up so I will reach out via text probably. Do you ever get tired of going the extra mile for someone, and they doing the very basic of things for you? Well that’s exactly how I feel about my father. I sometimes wonder If I am the parent, and he is my child. There definitely is a disconnect there, because I know the way I’d like to be parented, and when I try to explain that to my father, he seems to believe he knows more about me, than I do. And because of his will to not change his parenting style, we will continue to not chat as often.
In my defense, I do not ask my father for anything. The only thing I require is love. There is nothing else I would like to have from my father. I’ve been taking care of myself for this long, without his help, so I think I can continue to manage. I don’t want to be a disrespectful kid, but I sometimes want to ask him, if he thinks he is a good parent. If he believes he’s done all he could to ensure I would have the best chance at life. In my opinion he… well my opinion doesn’t matter. Wherever I lack, I make up in other areas, until I am able to work on where I lack. Even though my father isn’t there in a way, that benefits me, I am grateful that I had a mother who was.