I thought long and hard about what I would say to you, If given the opportunity to speak to you, and I still have trouble finding words to adequately express my feelings. First, thank you for connecting with my Geraldine Garlick, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, inside and out. Although y’all connection was short, It was long enough to create me! So for that alone, I thank you. I have no malice in my heart for you, and hope that you learn the errors of your ways before its too late to make amends. I’ve done all I can, and all I will to have a healthy father-daughter relationship with you. I promise I’m not mad, bitter or angry. I forgive you in advance for the apology that will come much later. You know the one … where you explain because you didn’t have a clear example of what a father should look like, you didn’t know what was expected of you, although Pops was an amazing grandfather. Or the excuse, that because I lived 200 miles away, and my mother ‘never’ let you see me, you didn’t know what else you could have done to raise me. Or the one where it seemed I was such an independent kid, It didn’t seem like there was any room for you to actually be a parent.
I’ve already forgiven you, now forgive yourself. I am not blocking you out of spite, but more out of protection for my sanity. I can no longer allow you to mistreat me, and I certainly will not allow you to disappoint/neglect my children (some day). How can I? At some point, I have to cut off the toxicity at the root before it has room to spread. I genuinely love you dad, but the love I have for myself surpasses that. Take Care Old man.
Love you to bits,
I’m not sure why you’ve stopped answering my calls, or even making any of your own. I can’t remember the last time you’ve asked how I’m doing, or inquired about my new position at work. I do however remember you telling me I need to get over how I was feeling, that you are who you are, and nothing was going to change. I know that I’ve become the parent, and I had to check on you because the roles had reversed. I accepted that responsibility, but it also left no room for me to seek advice from you, as the only response I would receive would be nonsense. You always made it a point to ask about when I would be having children, but never wanted to inquire about how my social life was going. Do you have grandchildren money? I doubt it, so I will have children at my own pace, just like I’ve done in other areas of my Life.
I’m baffled, honestly.
I’m elated that you have two god children, you were granted a do-over of sorts. So this time around do everything opposite. Be there more, Listen more, Participate more, be the shining example because you have these two little impressionable minds that are looking to you as a role model. Be that Example I know you can be. Love you forever.
I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with my dad. And I can’t tell when the next time we will have one. Well, Father’s Day and his birthday is coming up so I will reach out via text probably. Do you ever get tired of going the extra mile for someone, and they doing the very basic of things for you? Well that’s exactly how I feel about my father. I sometimes wonder If I am the parent, and he is my child. There definitely is a disconnect there, because I know the way I’d like to be parented, and when I try to explain that to my father, he seems to believe he knows more about me, than I do. And because of his will to not change his parenting style, we will continue to not chat as often.
In my defense, I do not ask my father for anything. The only thing I require is love. There is nothing else I would like to have from my father. I’ve been taking care of myself for this long, without his help, so I think I can continue to manage. I don’t want to be a disrespectful kid, but I sometimes want to ask him, if he thinks he is a good parent. If he believes he’s done all he could to ensure I would have the best chance at life. In my opinion he… well my opinion doesn’t matter. Wherever I lack, I make up in other areas, until I am able to work on where I lack. Even though my father isn’t there in a way, that benefits me, I am grateful that I had a mother who was.