Its so extremely hard not having a mother. One of the hardest things in life to accept, even after fifteen years. Ive spent half my life without one, so I should be a bit more used to this feeling but being in isolation, without a friend to hug, makes being orphaned even more hard to handle. As strong as I am, or better yet as strong as people THINK I am, I’m not. Theres been cracks forming for some time now, and I’m doing all I can to keep moving forward but today feels like a sad day.
Please Remember to check on those people in your life that looks/feels like they have it all together. We Don’t.
No matter how much you prepare, you can never emotionally successfully prepare for the lost of a parent. Recently I’ve found myself thinking about if Garlick, my mother, would be proud of me. When asking others who knew her, the answer is always yes, but what if she wasn’t. Obviously we’d never truly know how she would feel. But the question remains, would she be proud of what my life has become? Proud of the life I’ve created? My journey is unique for sure, and it’s different from the life I think she had for me. Hell, it’s different from the life I considered for myself. And although I can’t say if she’d be proud, I know whatever route, no matter how unconventional, she would’ve supported my choices and THAT trumps everything.
I know what you’re feeling as Mother’s Day approaches, and I’m here to support you as much as you need. As much as you’ll want to isolate yourself, don’t. Or please don’t for very long. Cry, Yell, be angry, and/or Scream as much as you have to but don’t forget to surround yourself with love. “They” lied when they said time heals all wounds, it doesn’t, it just makes you learn what’s really important, what’s really worth your time and focus.
Although I can’t remember my first Mother’s Day without my mother, I do remember locking myself within myself. It remained that way for years to come, I told myself I didn’t celebrate this holiday, why should I?! I was without a mother. However as time passed I realized I was focusing on what I no longer had and not focusing on the many other women who had filled my heart with motherly love at one time or another. Now I celebrate those women.
Your momma may not be here physically, you may not be able to see or converse with her but I believe she’s still near you. Still watching and is part of your daily blessings. Celebrate the woman she was, celebrate the memories you’ve created together, and remember the love she showered you with.
In all things, with all things, let love be your guide.