First Loves.

Writers Edit: Article first published on Chillology.co

My forever love and first heartbreak is all wrapped in the same person, Lee Sidney*.

If you could imagine a person so perfect, it would be him. I was so very much in love with that man, he was the best friend you could ever want. A man who would go to bat for you, someone you’d want on your team fighting for you. A product of his environment, which wasn’t always the best, but you’d never know by speaking to him. A man of such substance and intelligence, that he could speak to anyone about anything. Lee could’ve been a scholar, a sports star, a scientist, he had the potential to be whatever in life he wanted. Unfortunately his life was cut short at twenty one, and thus my heart remains broken.

We had a meet-cute, obviously unplanned but destined. While I was visiting my twin brother who doubles as my cousin, we just happened to be driving to the store at the very same time Lee is running, shirtless, prepping for an upcoming track meet. I promise the World stopped spinning and he then became the center of my World. I was literally grounded, I could barely speak so he led the conversation once he got in the car and exchanged pleasantries with my twin. From that day on, we were inseparable. When Lee went to college, we stayed in touch but life happened, and he decided I shouldn’t have to ‘wait’ for him, I should go out and live life. Sigh. Three days of no sleep, not being able to eat, and just being miserable I finally stopped calling, and texting. It was clear he meant what he said, and I couldn’t change his mind.

Fast forward, a few years later, and by chance we reconnected during the holidays. Rekindling what we had, and remembering how well we fit together. Unfortunately, he was dealing with more emotionally than he let on and when he finally told me how serious things were, it was too late. My love, had committed suicide. It’s been over ten years since I’ve lost him, but I still remember him, I still cherish him … I still love him.

*Name have been changed.

Tristan Jonez.

Love & Death

I loved a man once.

He was the easiest to love, to like, to talk to, to be around, he was everything. I didn’t realize how ‘everything’ he was until recently. Even though he is gone, and has been for some time, he’s not. He was my best friend before I knew what I needed from a best friend. The thought of him makes me smile more than it makes me cry, and I only cry cuz I can’t experience him in ‘living color’.

I miss him.

I know I tell you guys this often, but make sure you are expressing yourself to your loved ones, to your friends, to yourself. Make sure they know how you love them, how much you love them, and that you appreciate them. I have peace in my heart because I know how much I was loved by this man, and on the flip side, I rest easy knowing that he knew how much I loved him. How I would do anything for him, to ensure his happiness. Sometimes what we believe we want for ourselves, outweights everything else, including our common sense. As I long as I live, I will keep his memory alive, if only within myself.

Rest Easy Ali Sidney.

Tristan Jonez.

AliSidney

Is it possible to ever really get over someone? What if that person is your soulmate?

I dont think there is a day that goes by that I do not think of Ali Sidney. He is still my dream man, my prince charming, my first love. I’m present in this moment as I am in every moment, and right now my thoughts are on him. I write about him from time to time, not as much as I should, but as much as needed. Lately I’ve been missing his friendship, he was my very best friend. I could tell him anything and he would be able to give me solutions in a way that no one has ever been able to duplicate. My soul aches for the man he could’ve become, the father, the friend, the future him.

Suicide is honestly a permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem. It is a selfish decision, that affects all but the one committing suicide. You’re gone but we are left to deal with the pieces, some of which takes years to heal from. Wanting to quit is normal, but if you are harboring these feelings, take the time to reach out to someone. There are several avenues that are available to you, please know that you are NOT alone. I love you, and I am here to help in any and every way.

Tristan Jonez.

Anniversaries

January 2nd is the anniversary of my first love committing suicide.

Its like you are excited for the beginning of the year, a chance to do a massive reset on your life and the folks in it, but then bam! 48 hrs later you are brought back to a place mentally, where you almost didn’t survive the first time. Sometimes I have to really question if he is gone. Sigh. Life don’t owe me anything! I live my life to the fullest as there are folks who aren’t here to do so. As much as I wish I could wish Ali back to Life, I don’t possess those powers. If you are fighting depression you DO NOT have to fight it alone. I am here. I love you and I’ll help you get through it all.

Ali left behind a daughter.

Please take care one another.

Tristan Jonez.