Every time I travel I learn more about myself; what I need from life, what I want my life to look like, how I’d like to mold my future, what areas I’d like to improve upon, etc. This line of questioning happens throughout my time away from home. Traveling forces me, in the best of ways, to grow! There’s no way I can stay who I was, after experiencing a new place or revisiting an old place.
Currently I’m in Barcelona, I was here for my 29th birthday. Barcelona is special to me as it was my very first solo trip. Half way here, I was freaking out majorly because I was questioning myself, severe doubt crept in! Who did I think I was to be traveling out the country, to a place I’d never been, and didn’t speak the language, the damn nerve of me! Fortunately/Unfortunately I was already on the plane, Airbnb was paid for, so there was no way I could back out now, that first trip, taught me how to trust myself, trust my steps and that fiery gut instinct I’ve learned to depend on with my life.
As much as it pains me to go through a break up, failed relationships are essential to my growth as a woman. Once the sting of the break up wears off, I’m able to look at where things may have gone wrong, and correct them. We aren’t always able to remain friends with our exes, but if you do remain cordial and can have an “exit” conversation, please do.
I grew up after my first real break up, I had to. We were pregnant and engaged, walking away was the hardest thing I had to do but I couldn’t continue to sell myself short. I’m always willing to work on “us” but not at the expense of myself. I learned some of my greatest lessons with him, how to listen to my partner, how to not want to have the last word about everything, how to let someone else lead for a while, etc. If we don’t have failed relationships we’d never know how we can improved ourselves, plus it’s growth the objective?
Sometimes I honestly feel as if I don’t really have anyone to lean on. Better yet, I don’t feel as if I can unpack all the shit that weighs me down to someone and have them be equal parts understanding, and non judgmental. Basically I need me a ‘me’. I’ve perfected the art of being a friend, and I hate myself a lil for it. I wonder if I was less of a friend, if I would have more folks who appreciate me. I check up with people who I haven’t heard from in a while. I reach out when something seems off about their behavior, especially on social media. If I was needed I would drop everything to be there in person, if thats what it took to get them back to 100% I feel as if I am an after thought, like oh right, I should’ve invited T, or damn I forgot to call T about this event. If I went missing, besides my coworkers, I wonder if anyone would know notice. We have to start being better people to one another, be there for those that are there for us. Im often alone with my thoughts, that I had no choice but to love myself, if I didn’t I would’ve been lost my fuking mind.
I’m learning to unpack for myself. I write the things that I feel are needed to unpack, then I release that shit into the Universe and I move forward. I do my best to see in what areas I can improve in, and do my best to be aware when moving forward. There are days where Im unpacking similar things, but change takes time, so I don’t beat myself up. I just focus more on what I can do to bring about change.