Forgive them not.

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. -Harriet Nelson

I’m the forgiving type. Always have been. There’s only so much space in my head, so I just cant keep a grudge. Don’t get me wrong, I may forgive you but I don’t have to ever interact with you after the fact again. There is no one that I’ve lost that I want back.

Its funny because I have a sibling, older, who I have no interest in interacting with again. I’ve forgiven the incredibly shitty things she’s done to me, without an apology I might add, but I don’t expect one from her. Just because I’ve forgiven her for things done, doesnt means I have to turn the other cheek either. I don’t start situations with folks, but I don’t shy from saying whatever I’m feeling if need be. I’m a sensitive flower but I will fight back too. There’s too much of a backstory, thirty years, to break everything down to yall, but I will post one situation.

My sibling has a tendency to be rude, nasty and sometimes harsh with the wording she chooses in her delivery. I made it known I did not like the way she was speaking to me and if she continued we would no longer be talking. I understand I will always be seen as her little sister but I’m an adult and she need to respect me such. Well she did not like what I told her and went on Instagram to make it known. We are/were friends on there so I saw what she wrote and felt the need to respond. As an adult if you have an issue, it should be your duty to come to me personally. Only children use social media as a form of conflict resolution, I even told her via her social media, she can take it offline, if she wanted. Needless to say she did not respond. I truly love my sister but I’ve lost respect for her, based on her behavior, but I forgive her for those same behaviors, I just choose to keep my distance. But I Wish her the very best life has to offer her.

Its okay to forgive people, hell I encourage it, just don’t put yourself in situations that would make you forgive them again. Let it be a lesson, but learn from it the first time. An old dog doesn’t usually learn new tricks, remember that.

Tristan.

Assaulted 

I was Sexually Assaulted at work, by a Coworker I was dating at the time.

My body was violated. My Space was violated. I was violated. I was asked by a friend if I was raped but that term didn’t feel right to me. So much so that I had to look up the definition of both terms.

Rape: Unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent—compare sexual assault, statutory rape.

Sexual Assault: Any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.

Sexual Assault was what I went through. Even though he was forcibly bear hugging me while holding my hands, and thumbing my throat, I still do not call it rape. He did not have my consent, I did not ask for his penis to be shoved inside of me but all the same I wanted it to be over. Perhaps I could’ve did more to fight him off me but again I just wanted it to be over. I don’t dwell on it, as I’ve made my peace with it. That filth will never have the opportunity to touch me again, he will never be granted permission into my World, no matter the role.

I’m not sure yet how this event has changed me but I know it has. Something like that has to change you in some way, I’m sure it will reveal itself to me down the road as of right now I’m going to focus on the beauty of the life I’m living.

If you have experienced someone violating your space, I’m not sure what advice to give. I did not report this to anyone of authority, I did not make a report but I didn’t because I was protecting myself. It may have been the wrong decision but it was one I was at peace with. I think you should do what feels right, whatever will bring YOU inner comfort or as close to it as you can come after dealing with type of event.

Tristan.

I Give Good…

I give good friend.

Yes, you read that correctly I give really good friend. I consider myself the quintessential friend, that quality grade A friend, and I’m not just tooting my own horn. If asked, anyone I’ve ever been a friend to, would 100% wholeheartedly agree. Unfortunately I can’t say many folks have been to me what I am to them.

As an adult it can be harder to ‘make’ friends. Its frowned upon to just walk up to folks requesting their contact information cuz they seem fly and you just KNOW y’all would totally mesh. If you COULD do that and it would be received well, then I would say, “Hey! I’m Tristan, and based on how you’re dressed I think you’re fly and I’m always in need of fly friends, let’s exchange numbers and do brunch soon.” I’m working on making that a norm of how us women are able to befriend someone else.

I know its so easy to get caught up in our own lives, but take the time out and be there for the friend that’s always been there for you. Try to appreciate them a lil more than you normally would today. Show them that their efforts do NOT go unnoticed because when they stop, you’ll noticed but it’ll be too late.

Tristan.

#SelfCareSunday

In conjunction with living a healthier lifestyle, I’m partaking in #SelfCareSunday. What is that you ask? Oh it’s just a day where you put yourself first. You cater to your own needs, whatever they may be. Today you are not allowed to do for others as you’d normally would, nope. This day is all about you. 

I don’t want to even hear the word selfish! You have a RIGHT to replenish your cup, after dealing with kids, work, traffic, and all the other shit in between you have to recharge. Regenerate those brain cells you killed being superwoman/superman. Men this is for you as well. Being the head of household, even if it’s a household of one, is hard work. I need you to power your battery pack to 100% for the upcoming week. 

Granted it’s called #SelfCareSunday my “Sundays” are Tuesdays since I’m needed at the workplace. I haven’t planned what I’m NOT going to do but I’m giving myself a rest. I’ve been doing the most cuz I have myself to depend on. Can’t pass the buck cuz there’s no one to pass it to, but it’s A Okay. I love fall, so I’m actually thinking of going to Van Corlandt park to capture the spirit of fall. 

What’s your plans for #SelfCareSunday? 

Tristan. 

Cup of Chocolate 

Who trying to go to the #1 shoppe in New York, and possibly America, for Hot Chocolate?

I’m trying to go ASAP. Oh you want to know the name of this amazing place? Well If I tell you, do you promise to go and try it for yourself? I hope you said yes since I’m trusting you. Well my friend, the best place is Jacques Torres Chocolates.

Seriously hands down the best hot chocolate I’ve had the pleasure of tasting. It’s like they’ve decided to melt the entire chocolate bar, its rich, creamy and thick. The writing about it has me wanting to jump on the train and head to Houston Str. Some odd years ago, I was job hunting, and came across Jacques Torres, sadly they did not hire me, but I was hooked, its been my go to place ever since. When you visit, I recommend Houston Str. as they have a bigger space, but you are also able to watch them make the chocolate. (Hearts)

And for the men who NEVER know what date to plan, I got you covered, I will be posting how to make a trip to Jacques Torres work for date night. I know, you’re welcomed.

 

Tristan.

UK Babes

My Soul mate lives in the United Kingdom the only problem is I haven’t met him … Yet! Call me crazy but I honestly believe my man is living there wondering If I’m in America too. My logic may be a bit weird but my determining factor is the fact that I feel a connection to London. No I’ve never been BUT I know I’m going to love everything about it. The only exposure I have to UK is their television shows, which I adore by the way.

My explanation will make no sense to the non-believers. Sometimes I wonder If I’m tripping myself but I have to keep the faith. At the least If my soul mate doesn’t reside there, I know he’s out there, in these streets, waiting for me to pop up. In a few weeks I’m going to put my speculation to rest and have an adventure in London. Obviously I will document my experience with you guys, but don’t be surprised when you meet the “Love of my Life”.

What’s up Brov.

Tristan.

Are you OK?

As a black woman, I don’t think I’m asked that question enough. And not just asked, but asked with the purpose of being there if I actually answer honestly. As a black woman I have to be strong for everyone around me, including other black woman who choose to confide in me but who will be there for me? Who can I lean on, to do more than tell me to pray. Who do you turn to when you have no mother, and your dad doesn’t understand?

When is it acceptable to break all the way down? To have the responsibility be placed on everyone else equally? Sometimes I feel like I have to fend for myself, and If I want comfort I have to find it own my own. Thank God for counseling, but sometimes it isn’t enough. This human person who is hear listening to me has no  emotional connection to me, once the session is over, I’m right back to putting on that mask that I’ve learned to wear so well.

So Black Woman, Lets come together, ask your sister, friend, mother, aunt are they ok, and PLEASE be prepared to hear NO I’m not. Offer up more than a kind word about prayer, sometimes it’s great to listen and other times it good to offer up solutions and the way to know the difference of what’s needed is to ask, “What do you need from me? Or “How can I help?” I promise you, these small gestures of love make such a difference.

Tristan.