Love me right the first time. It is NOT a badge of honor for a man to come back to you. I would love it if they all stayed away, after the first time. Funny story, I recently had a man tell me, he apologized that he didn’t handle me correctly. Mister, I took it as an L, and I’ve moved on from it. (I’m okay taking L’s but I’m not going to continue to waste my time with you) I suggested he do the same. However curiosity came over me, and I asked why he didn’t. Well. No shocker, he was dating me and another at the same time, and went with her but it didn’t work out. He described it as the movie “Boomerang” which is comical in itself.

He also went on to ask if we can kick it again but why would I? You didn’t know what you had, and unfortunately I can’t go backwards. I’m tired of awarding second chances. I want folks to know what they have the FIRST time around.

Tristan.

Vibe

Fellas, stop introducing women to a vibe you cannot maintain. Whatever that vibe may be. I get it, when you initially meet a person you want to be the very best version of yourself, even if it means, not fully being the person you are … on a daily basis. As a woman, we are already conditioned to know we are meeting a mans representative when we first meet you anyway, so we take the things you do with a grain of salt. Not meaning we aren’t appreciative of whatever it is you are doing but we are looking to see if the actions you put forward are ones, that you are being consistent with.

See that? It ALL Narrows down to consistency.

Please remember that as you move forward wooing the ones you are attempting to woo. Effort is everything, but consistency is the hill on which effort lives.

Jonez.

Dear Diary …

My My My, its been such a long time, that Ive ‘written’ in you dear diary. I do apologize, Ive just been out here living life. So I know, you hate being kept in the dark, so let’s discuss the dating life … or lack of. But Diary you’ll be proud to know that I am slowly putting myself back out there. Dipping one toe in at a time, although I am coming to the realization, that I may need to just jump straight in. Let’s discuss the latest dating woes.

So Ive been cool with this guy on Instagram for some time now, have conversation fairly regularly, so much so that he expressed his interest in getting to know me, and potentially taking me out on a ‘real life date’ … the dilemma, he lives in Canada. For me, that’s no super big deal, I can fly wherever, and I’m cool with long distance relationships, when they make sense. So I am acting like an interested person, I provide him with my number so he doesn’t have to DM me, he’ll now have direct contact with me. Well I guess that was too much for him, because literally after I gave my number the excuses started. First he’d left his phone at work, which is a believable thing then he’s so exhausted from work that he forgot to reach out in any compacity. My last annoyance came from, I understand being busy, I can understand you forgetting your phone at work, but how is it, you watch all my Instagram stories, and find a way to post your social media BUT you can’t remember to communicate with someone who YOU’VE told you was interested? Chile I can’t! So seeing the yellow flags, I sent a message to him, which took him two days to respond. His response seemed like a genuine one, and he apologized, so I accepted, then asked a follow up question to which, as of today, he hasn’t responded.

I find myself not upset, not even annoyed, but if you have no intention of following through, leave women alone. However whether or not it matters to him, we’ll never have an interaction again, he’s showed he isn’t worth my time. So I’ll focus on those who are.

Tristan Jonez.

Dear Diary …

There was a time when meeting his mother was significant, right? No checklist, but you had to mean something special to him, before you met momma. Y’all had reached a certain ‘level’ before the meeting of parents, but in 2019, it means nothing. Well I want to believe there are still men who place value on introducing women to their family but largely it’s an indication of nothing. Momma may meet a bunch of chicks, and still be her charming, sweet, kind self to each of them cuz her loyalty is to her son, first. It’s not her place to say anything to you, even if she met another shorty the day before, hell an hour before meeting you. She’ll just mind her own shit, cuz who wants to get in the middle of their son’s messy ass relationships?

I don’t want to meet ya momma, and if your not serious with me, you don’t want her to meet me either. Cuz once I’m done with you, years later she’ll still be bringing up my name.

Jonez

According to Wale.

“She gonna find her solace, in knowing a nigga is damaged. She gonna take my heart, cuz a nigga took her for granted.”

Solace n. Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

Now Wale, I can’t speak for all Women, but being with a damaged man, makes EVERYTHING that much fucking harder, especially anything surrounding emotions. I’m sure if we knew PRIOR to catching feelings for this man, that he was damaged, we would exit stage right immediately. Black men hardly want to identify the triggers that caused damage, barely want to explore how to correct those triggers so he isn’t ‘bleeding’ on the next, or acknowledge that he is damaged at all! IF and when, a man gives us his heart after he’s been damaged, its a struggle, it stays a struggle because he stays on guard, just waiting for the moment we screw up then he can retreat back to his shell.

Vulnerability adj. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Falling in Love requires vulnerability. You are literally placing your heart in the hands of someone who can hurt you, but you are placing faith and confidence that they won’t. You can’t be in love and have one foot in, nah. Love requires both feet, and all body parts including your brain. You have to be more than okay handing over the most sacred part of yourself over to someone. I’m sure not Love can work otherwise, damaged or not.

Tristan Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Break my heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

Where’s my Lid?

If a man’s words and actions don’t match, leave. If you’re set on staying, always go according to his words. He can ‘show’ you all the emotions and feels in the World but once you start getting attached, he’ll remind you, aht aht, I told you what I wanted in the beginning. If it’s a situation where he’s not looking for commitment but you are, leave. Don’t even waste a second of your time, cuz you’ll see all the great qualities about him, possibly meet friends, learn about him, accommodate him, then when it’s feeling like a relationship, he remind you, Aht Aht, I told you, I’m not ready for that.

Trust me! I know it’s a pain to meet someone then be told they don’t want the same things as you. The dating pool in EVERY city sucks, flight attendant here, so I know, but don’t settle for the now, play the long game. I’m a firm believer, there’s a lid for every bowl, you just have to be patient enough and bold enough to go after what you want. Don’t take a man telling you, he’s not looking for the things you are as a challenge. ITS NOT A CHALLENGE! The likelihood of him changing his mind based off of anything besides his own mind, is very slim. So waste not another second on him. Go out and find your lid!

Tristan Jonez

According to Wale …

“What if Love is nothing more than a fairytale?”

What if? In all my disappointments in Love, what if I was doomed before I had even started? Doomed before I could really have the opportunity to explore what Love was, What it means to be Loved in a way, that positively changed my life? As I get older I think I am in agreement with Wale … “What if Love is nothing more than a fairytale?” Then I’ve wasted so much of my life, looking, and waiting for the perfect love story. My first love is starting to feel like a story that didn’t really happen. As most of y’all know, my first love committed suicide so I do feel robbed. Sometimes I wonder if I felt the things I really felt, if the love we shared was real, and if it was, why did he make the choice to leave me, knowing all I had been through.

Emotionally I’m not ready to finish this conversation.

Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Cliche, ft. Ari Lennox & Boogie.

Dear Diary …

How do you know when it’s time to cut your losses and stop investing in someone? Maybe this question would be better posed to someone who invest in stocks and bonds so we could have an accurate depiction of how the process works. Maybe if we started treating our relationships/friendships in the same manner we do our finances, we’d be more successful? Although everyone’s finances aren’t anything I’d use as a go to guide.

Could we ever create a winning formula for relationships, using the same tools to invest in something financially? what would goals look like? What ‘mile markers’ could be created to determine the worthiness of investment? Could one’s dating history be an indication of anything other than what’s happened in the past? Since feelings change daily, how could we determine when it’s no longer ‘profitable’ to us as the individual to invest?

Tristan Jonez

Finish Last.

For a few days, I’ve been thinking of this text, a friend sent me. I’m genuinely nice, all the time. Never looking for anything in return. Just wanting folks to change their perspective, and see the good that’s to be seen in a situation. Do I have moments where I’m stuck complaining? Yes! But I try to set limits on those moments, cuz truly what do we get out of complaining?

I personally know life is a fragile, beautiful but short thing. I didn’t put my all into people as I should’ve while they were alive, so I use that to continue to move forward but to be as pleasant as I can. I’ve been thinking about what I want to be remembered for, what’s my legacy? I want folks to always feel I genuinely cared for them, that my niceness knew no bounds when it came to making them happy.

Jonez.

Dear Diary …

I know we agreed we’d only be speaking positive about ourselves and pouring positivity Into us but I’m having a hard time not saying … What I hate about myself is! So since I haven’t found a better way of saying “it”, imma just say it. I cannot stand the way I give folks the opportunity to correct themselves in how they interact with me, and they don’t take advantage of it. THEN when I’m done, and no longer giving out lessons, they feel slighted. Loyalty, is not just a word, it’s an embodiment! Or at least it should be, fuck.

I’m a different person when I no longer give af about you. I KNOW people have the tendency to take advantage of my kindness, my awesomeness, but that’s just the way I’m built. Trust, I’ve tried to change but that’s not my way. Unfortunately or Fortunately, depending on how you see it, one of my friends won’t be able to count on me in any capacity. And if I should say, I’m a great friend to have in your corner.

Tristan J.

Cut It Off?

In this age of dating, stop being so quick to cut ‘a nigga off’.

The options are endless, choices boundless but doesn’t it get tiring swiping right or left? How much time are you actually putting in to get to know someone? A week is NOT enough time to really know anything about a person. Hell, only texting for a few weeks isn’t enough. I’ve had to learn to slow it down, taking my time is never a bad thing. Talking to multiple isn’t a bad thing either, however attempting to date five people at the same time isn’t it! You’ll surely be spreading urself too thin. Although I’m currently getting to know one person, I could handle another, but no one has piqued my interest enough. I’m sure it also has something to do with my moving to another city. Once I’m settled in Dallas, I’ll be out and about getting to know the city, and the chocolate men that come with it.

How long do you average with someone before they are either let go or invested into?

Writers Edit: Red Flags are NOT to be ignored. Just like anything in life, there are varying degrees of red flags, but when getting to know someone, be sure you know what your hard red flags look like so you can judge that situation correctly.

Jonez

Dear Diary …

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had with my guy recently and I don’t think we consider men’s trauma. Of course we know they have to deal with nonsense just like women in relation to relationships but there’s a “Just get Over it” vibe that we emit. If a woman states, she’s not ready for a relationship, or she simply doesn’t want one, she’s asked a billion questions as to why she feels this way, most times it’s assumed she’s been hurt by a man. However when a man makes this statement, it’s taken at face value. I’m guilty of this, although I don’t usually question women, It doesn’t cross my mind to ask a man, to elaborate his feelings; mistake number one.

Although I am no longer seeking a committed relationship with my guy currently, it’s been interesting getting to know him. Relationships can and will change as feelings deepens. Because he seems as a man who’ll give everything to a relationship, he’s moving cautiously because of the past traumas he’s endured. I haven’t asked him to provide details, not because I’m not interested, I want to know all parts of him, but I’ve found in dealing with trauma, it should be something the person wishes to discuss. He knows I’m a great look for him, however he’s been through too much to move forward with his heart lightly, and I could never fault him for that.

Ladies, I think we have to start being more sympathetic to how men feel. We should be asking questions and seeking clarification when we don’t know something and would like to. I understand a man should be adult enough to speak up but we don’t know what they’ve been faced with prior to entering our lives. I also believe men have to learn how to use their words, when expressing their feelings. If we start creating safe spaces for both, men and women to feel comfortable, less communication mishaps will occur.

Jonez.