Who knew, Valentine’s Day, the movie was good? I just finished watching, and It was throughly enjoyable. Also, It tickled me when Ashton Kutcher’s character was trying to get a ticket, and went to the Southwest Airlines Counter. The movie was a bit chaotic, it reminded me of the movie Crash, where all the characters are connected. Valentine’s Day can really bring out all the emotions, from all characters. I do like we were able to see young love, newly love, love that was ending, friendship love blossoming into more, etc.
I might have to make this a tradition. Next year, Join me, we’ll be watching Valentine’s Day. Its a Date?
Since the beginning of the year, Ive been receiving message after message and the lesson I’ve learned … I need to worry about my damn self. Ive been doing the friend thing, the being there for everybody thing, the check on my friends thing, the accountability partner thing… then I realized nobody ask me to be those things. I took it upon myself, to to be and do what I would want someone else to be and do for me. I’ve been drained of all my energy because I’ve been trying to keep up with all the different personalities I know. This season of my life, is for me. To check in with myself, to motivate myself, to cultivate myself, to show up for my damn self, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
I’m sure if my friends need my input, they will certainly ask for it. However I am done volunteering myself, especially when I haven’t been getting my level energy back from those who I invest in.
What chapter in your life are you entering or exiting?
Today wasn’t a hard day per se, but it was a tough day. A day were I wanted to quit everything, and say fuck everyone. Today was a day where I chose to look in the ‘mirror’ and tell myself to get it the fuck together. I’ve been slacking for the past three days. Nevermind I cooked Sunday dinner, that’s easy, I’ve been slacking on my Spanish lessons because I’ve been feeling so damn sorry for myself. Boo hoo Me. Needing love and attention from certain people but because of their own demons, they do not know how to express love in a way that I need it shown. Its hard living life without parents, especially if you know what its like to have an incredible one. I miss me some Garlick (my momma)! I used to wish for just a chance at a conversation, but I would never be able to let her go again. So I just deal with what my reality is now, and keep pressing forward.
Sidenote; Prior to going to the grocery store, I had made the decision to be done with my Spanish lessons. Tell me why in the checkout line, a Spanish man, decided to have a conversation with me in Spanish. And instinctively I responded to his questions with ease, as he was talking it was like I knew exactly what he was saying, and I knew how I wanted to respond. What a beautiful thing that interaction was. However flirting is flirting in any language so I had to go! What really made me rethink quitting, was seeing his face, as I was talking my Spanish. It was a look of surprise, like oh shit, she understands! She understands AND comprehend beyond ‘Hola”. Before I left he made sure to compliment me on my perfect Spanish! Maybe that was the motivation I needed to continue.
I’m tired of being me, but I don’t want to be anyone else, Ever.
I get tired of folks seeking and using my light, my energy for themselves. Depleting, taking all my gifts, and failing to replenish. Some humans just know how to drain the Life out of you. Sidenote; I don’t think I’ve been kind to myself lately. I KNOW I need a beach, I know I need to feel the sand between my fingers, on my body and I have yet to give my soul what its’ seeking.
How often do you retreat to give yourself what you need? Do you listen to your body/soul when it says Stop? Go? Rest?
For a few days, I’ve been thinking of this text, a friend sent me. I’m genuinely nice, all the time. Never looking for anything in return. Just wanting folks to change their perspective, and see the good that’s to be seen in a situation. Do I have moments where I’m stuck complaining? Yes! But I try to set limits on those moments, cuz truly what do we get out of complaining?
I personally know life is a fragile, beautiful but short thing. I didn’t put my all into people as I should’ve while they were alive, so I use that to continue to move forward but to be as pleasant as I can. I’ve been thinking about what I want to be remembered for, what’s my legacy? I want folks to always feel I genuinely cared for them, that my niceness knew no bounds when it came to making them happy.
When I moved to Chicago the first time, I had an idea of who I wanted to be in my head, and I did what I could to bring her to life but looking back, I wasn’t being myself. I didn’t know what I wanted besides knowing I wanted to be more than who I was at the time. Although Chicago was my soulmate, I was running from a Love I thought would last forever, a man who no longer made me happy, and a city I was tired of hustling/struggling in. My initial move to chitown didn’t last long but everything happens for a reason. Four years later, I got the opportunity to live there again, and it’s been one of my happiest experiences.
Heading Into Texas, I know myself better. I’m not going there to find out who I am or to create another version of myself. I’m going with the notion that I am Tiffany, a food explorer, Natural body care using, art museum lover, who is ready to move past my comfort zone. I welcome all positive experiences, and will diligently turn my negatives into learning lessons. Ultimately I’ll be arriving into my new city as myself. My perfectly imperfect but fly self.
Since January 1st, I’ve been implementing mission: minding my damn business! Whatever someone needs to do to make themselves happy, I keep my opinion to myself. Even if their decision causes THEM pain, I just be like ‘oh ok’, or ‘wow that’s crazy’. Folks are out here living life, however they see fit, and it’s up to me to continue to mind the business that pays me. Whether a friend or foe, I keep my opinions to myself. There are times when said person wants my opinion on things, and I’ve also been keeping that to myself. Most times, folks are going to do what they want, so I’m wasting my time, getting my feelings involved, when they aren’t going to take heed to anything being said.
I know some folks who would intervene if said person was hurting themselves, but I refuse, unless they were mentally underdeveloped. Everyone I know, and are friends with is GROWN! They are able to take care of themselves, and should be able to make sound decisions. I’ve learned people need to learn for themselves, so who am I to take away their lesson but giving them a cheat code? Nope!
As much as we may want the very best for our friends. As much as we may want nothing but greatness for them, we cannot be willing to work harder for it than them. Trust, I know that shit sucks but you’ll kill yourself trying to obtain greatness on behalf of someone else. I’ll continue to be there for my friends, I’ll continue to be a listening ear if necessary but I will not longer shoulder their issues. I will no longer accept their problems as my own, looking for solutions and alternatives. No. I can’t. I’ve tasted the sweet taste of happiness, it’s taken me a while to get here but NOW, that I’m here I can’t let anyone threaten that peace.
To my friends, I love you. Sincerely. I want you to learn who you are, trust in yourself and know you deserve the very best from another human being. Trust that if s/he isn’t willing to offer their best, they aren’t willing to compromise to see you happy then Be prepared to move forward without them. Know that it’s healthy to be alone, and it’s necessary to carve time out to place yourself first.
When did we get into the habit of glossing over the ‘struggle’? I find that folks are so eager to show that they are winning, that it creates unrealistic expectations so when you do lose, personally, you lose your fucking mind. We know, with all forms of social media, you have to keep up airs, stay put on but isn’t that exhausting? Now don’t get me wrong, who the hell wants to solely focus on failures? Nobody. That’s a depressing place to be, but shit happens, right?
I want to create a place of equal balance. A place where we celebrate the lows just as fiercely as the highs. Now maybe I won’t be the actual person to create this haven I’m looking for but i do want to play my part. So although I do believe I vocalize my lows and highs equally, I will be more aware of the content I put out. Just as often as I scream men ain’t shit but fuck boys, I’ll turn around and showcase men who have the qualities that’ll make your knees buckle. Balance.
Stop allowing men to treat you as if you are regular. You are not! You are of the absolute best of the best. Lately, Even I have forgotten of my magic, the essence of me, that makes me who I am. I am not here just to accept so willingly the bullshit that a man chooses to provide me. And if he cannot see what he has available to him, let him not see anything. Too many times do we forget there are millions upon millions of men out there, so we have such a selection. WE are the ones who decide who we will date, who we will let pursue us, who we will … I think you get my point!
For the time being, I am going to focus on my challenge of being a tourist in New York City for the month of December.
I don’t take care of myself as much as I need to or as much as I should. Because I’m there for others, I don’t have or make the time for myself. As a result, I’m miserable. I keep myself occupied with work so I’m too tired to evaluate my needs, too tired to care. Obviously this is a severely destructive path, and if I don’t start to take care of myself, I’ll be lying in a ditch somewhere. I think I was expecting someone to come along and save me from myself but this isn’t a fairy tale and no one will rescue me. I gotta save my damn self!
This week, I’m on vacation from work so I couldn’t hide from myself. My body was seriously malfunctioning, places were aching, my mind couldn’t settle itself and my body was desperately alerting me that it was about to crash. Although I definitely have responsibilities this week, I canceled everything to focus on me. To really put me first, to indulge in me, to allow my body the space to rest, to stretch and to do anything else she wanted to. I always feel like I deserve more than what I’m receiving in my dating life, but if I’m not treating my OWN self like I deserve more, why would anyone else?
I claim ownership over no one. Everyone is their own person, to live and love as they see fit. Personally I love fully in my own spirit, to do as I please, for as long as it pleases me. I do not, and cannot make anyone ‘stay’ because when Its time for me to leave, I do. I’ve always tried to be the best version of myself, see the good in folks, and live life as if it was the most precious gift I could’ve ever been given. There have been times where my significant other couldn’t not relate to me, but you would have to step outside of yourself to understand, and honestly most people wont.
I want you all to be true to the essence of you. No matter what that may look like to others. Only claim ownership over your own soul, then you’ll be able to move in ways which you haven’t before.