Virginity Saved

Here is a story about the time I almost lost my virginity to my first love Ali.

So growing up in Baltimore, Maryland, I had plenty of ‘boyfriends’ but I managed to keep my virginity intact. Mostly in part because I knew boys talked way to much and I never wanted to be the topic of discussion for anyone. I never wanted to be called a ho, chickenhead or anything else that boys my age would’ve made up. Plus I just wasn’t ready for that step with anyone, thankfully I didnt talk to any boys that ever pressured me to do anything I didnt want to. Thinking about it now, I had great ‘little’ boyfriends, but also social media wasn’t as big as it is now. Sure we eventually had Myspace, AOL and BlackPlanet but it was secondary to actual one on one interaction with your friends. The most I’ve ever did was kiss, and chill in my boyfriends room but it was very innocent. Watching a movie was just that, like I said no one ever pressured me. So shout out to all my exes while I was under 17, love yall.

Back to my story, so Ali and I was so in love, this was my soul mate, and I wanted to be intimate with him. I wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could be. Ali was my cousin Keith best friend, which is how we met, one day Keith was driving, and ended up running into him and gave him a ride home. From that day, we was together in an unspoken rule of attraction and love. He was living in the city of Peekskill, I would visit my cousin often so I could be able to see Ali too. This particular evening, we had the house to ourselves, my aunt had went to the supermarket, and my cousin had basketball practice. So we was watching a movie and I was like I want to make love, let’s just do it. Who knows when we would have this opportunity again. Ali was not trying to hear me, he flat out said no, told me that he wanted our first time to be special, that he respected me and didn’t want to make me feel rushed because we had no idea when someone would be coming home. Can I tell you I wasn’t trying to hear none of what he was talking about. I was like nah let the next time be special, all I knew was that I loved him, and right then was the time. I definitely appreciate everything he said now, I appreciated how he loved me so fiercely that he was willing to put his own wants aside and wait to make everything perfectly special for me. Since we took so long going back and forth about us being intimate that by time I got him to FINALLY say okay, my aunt was pulling up in the driveway. I’m laughing as I write this just remembering how frustrated I was with him, inside I was having the ultimate temper tantrum!

Sadly Ali and I never got the chance to consummate our love as he committed suicide before we ever could be intimate.
Cherish the people you love while you have them here to love on.

Tristan.

PS. I love you Ali. Always.

I Dare You.

Jazmine Sullivan is my girl! She’s such a friend in my head! So obviously I love all her albums, and I’m genuinely excited that she’s still making music. Reality Show Album, song ‘If you Dare’ is my anthem. “Stop thinking small when you could have it all” I don’t know about you, but I want to have it all and then some. Do you know the requirement to having it all? You have to have the balls to dare. Of course daring doesn’t mean anything without some sort of action to back it up. But the first step is Daring to believe you can actually be living the life you want, if you believe you can be living it high then you can. Clearly I’m not the be all or end all of what you should or should not be doing but I want you to live your best life. HELL I want to live my best life as well, so I find that its my job to motivate you in any way I can.

Start Living your Life Babe.

Tristan.

 

“If You Dare”


Why you only see in black and white
You should be living in color
You walking now when you were made to fly
Don’t be scared to fly
Stop thinking small when you’re larger than life

You’re amazing, so am I
Let’s dress up fancy and drink wine
Let’s go crazy, don’t be scared
Cause we can conquer the world,
Cause we can conquer the world
If you dare

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Things could be better than the way that you’re living
Open your eyes cause you don’t know what you’re missing
You’re in the dark but you could be glistenin’
Stop thinking small when you could have it all

You’re amazing, so am I
Let’s dress up fancy and drink wine
Let’s go crazy, don ‘t be scared
Cause we can conquer the world, Cause we can conquer the world
If you dare

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Oh Caroline stay away from the light
Cause people never make it out alive
So come on down because you’re going too high
(But she heard)
Don’t be scared, start living your life

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…

And I warned you not to go
Did you have to leave me low
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it
Oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh, oh-oh-oh ohhh…
And it’s driving you insane
But it’s running through your veins
You could be living it right
You should be living it high
You should be living it

Short

Yesterday

I found out a friend of mine past away and the first thing I thought was did I tell him I loved him. Did he know he was as special to me as I was to him. I’m sadden by this event.

Love on the folks while they are here because once they are gone you are left with the thoughts of all the things you could’ve and should’ve did while they were here.

Live this life with no regrets.

I love you Darrell.

Tristan.

What’s a lil Head?

As taken from HBO’s Insecure, Would you date a man who had been with another man? Said man you’re dating only received head, there was no penetration.

In all honesty, I would continue to date my guy. I’m not thrilled about him being with another man however I’m open enough that I understand fully exploring your sexuality. If this event happened once in college, and he knew immediately after that men was not for him, then why would I fault him for being honest with me. I do believe that there are some things that should remain silent. If as a way of getting to know you, I asked ‘hey have you ever been with a man’ then I think you should answer honestly. But If I never ask you that, then don’t take it upon yourself to volunteer that information. Some folks can not handle the truth. You have to know your audience, before you drop those kind of gems.

If the man I’m dating, had penetrated/was penetrated I would probably have reservations about continuing to date that person. I wouldn’t judge, but in my mind I would always wonder if he still want to be with a man. I just want to be sure I can trust the person I am engaging with. We all have a past, and there will something in that past that the next person may not like, you just have to find the person who accepts yours.

Tristan.

Nothing Beats a Sale.

There’s no better feeling in the World than finding the boots you love, in your size, on sale after they are sold out online. I’m telling you no better feeling.

Wait, there is a slight better feeling … When you find out that because they are on clearance online, you’re going to get that price instead.

I will not lie, I am all about a sale, a discount whatever. Why spend full price when I don’t have to? So here’s my Sale story.

I’ve been “window shopping” online since the weather was changing and over the knee boots are always a good time. The boots named Frido has caught my eye, and it was currently on sale for 69$, my size was still available surprisingly. So I’m getting ready to cash out, and bloop my size was no longer available. I know that damn quick! So I didn’t pout, I was annoyed but what can you do? So I ended up buying two other pairs of boots, since I would be moved out of my apartment I decided to have them sent to the store and I’d just pick them up at my convenience. I went to the Aldo on E. 86th str. on a Saturday (insert eye roll) It was a mad house, but I was cool with it as I was just there to pick up my items. As soon as I stand on line, guess what caught my eye? Frido in brown looking so sexy. At first I wasn’t going to approach because I didn’t want that type of disappointment again. So a shopper grabbed them before I could even think twice about getting off the line, asking an associate if they had them in a size 10, the associate said nope, those boots are the last pair and only the seven and a half she was currently holding.

OMG! Did she just say MY size! I hurried my ass off that line and practically grabbed the boots out of her hand, I mean she couldn’t do anything with them. Ladies and Gentlemen, they were as beautiful as I imagined they would be in person. So I turned them over to look at the price, 89$ which included the thirty percent off. Ugh! Did I want to spend that much? Was I really in love? Don’t ask me why, but I asked the cashier if the price differed between online and the store would they honor the online price? When she said yes I wanted to jump for joy. I held in my excitement, and let them know I would be purchasing my sexy Frido immediately. So Instead of paying original price of 150$, or even the sale price of 89$, guess how much I paid?

You’ll Never guess… Your girl paid $39.99, Ain’t God good?! Amen!

Tristan.

Monica Brown

For those of you who are new to me, I Stan for the singer Monica Brown. In my head she’s an older sister that has been through life and is now there to help get through the same things she’s lived through. So many countless times her music has helped to be that shoulder I needed.

After the Storm album helped me to realize I wasn’t the only person who had gone through this. My first love had committed suicide, and I was having an extremely hard time moving forward with life. It was the worst feeling, words fail at describing the pain of losing Ali. To this day, I still miss him and talk to him as if he is here with me. I lost my love but gained an angel. However listening to “I wrote this song” lets me know Monica truly understand the feeling, and if she was able to move forward I know I’ll be able to eventually.

Still Standing album made me realize I was stronger than I thought. I was a mess during this album, you hear me? I was a hot ass mess. Didn’t know what I was doing with myself, just trying to find myself but nothing was working. I was single, after finding my then boyfriend had cheated. I had gone through a miscarriage, as well as a failed engagement with said cheater boyfriend. However there was hope in my struggle as I just met a guy that I thought was it for me… turns out he wasn’t. The song “Everything to me and Love all over me” was the perfect dedication to him.

Fast forward three years, the relationship should’ve ended but leave it to me to continue to breathe life into a very dead relationship cuz I ain’t a quitter. New Life album was the definition of my life but I didn’t see that at the time. I was still rocking Still Standing. Unhealthy toxic relationship was what my beautiful love had turned into. I wasn’t love or respected, but yet I stayed. Its funny, because I wouldn’t give him a second of my time now, especially with the way I feel about myself. The love I have for myself now, he couldn’t do nothing with the woman I am now. NOTHING. “Until it’s gone” will forever be dedicated to him.

Once I was freed from the emotions I had for my ex, we decided to try again. I know, silly me. In Code Red Album, “Ocean of Tears” made me cry, still does because I truly did everything I could to get back to him. But this time, something had changed… and it was me. Whatever spell he had me under was now done. I’m not sure where/when the change occurred but it did. I no longer needed his love to sustain me, I was my “dozen roses.”

I haven’t had the opportunity to sit down and tell Monica all of this face to face yet but its coming. Just wait on it.

Tristan.

Forgive them not.

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. -Harriet Nelson

I’m the forgiving type. Always have been. There’s only so much space in my head, so I just cant keep a grudge. Don’t get me wrong, I may forgive you but I don’t have to ever interact with you after the fact again. There is no one that I’ve lost that I want back.

Its funny because I have a sibling, older, who I have no interest in interacting with again. I’ve forgiven the incredibly shitty things she’s done to me, without an apology I might add, but I don’t expect one from her. Just because I’ve forgiven her for things done, doesnt means I have to turn the other cheek either. I don’t start situations with folks, but I don’t shy from saying whatever I’m feeling if need be. I’m a sensitive flower but I will fight back too. There’s too much of a backstory, thirty years, to break everything down to yall, but I will post one situation.

My sibling has a tendency to be rude, nasty and sometimes harsh with the wording she chooses in her delivery. I made it known I did not like the way she was speaking to me and if she continued we would no longer be talking. I understand I will always be seen as her little sister but I’m an adult and she need to respect me such. Well she did not like what I told her and went on Instagram to make it known. We are/were friends on there so I saw what she wrote and felt the need to respond. As an adult if you have an issue, it should be your duty to come to me personally. Only children use social media as a form of conflict resolution, I even told her via her social media, she can take it offline, if she wanted. Needless to say she did not respond. I truly love my sister but I’ve lost respect for her, based on her behavior, but I forgive her for those same behaviors, I just choose to keep my distance. But I Wish her the very best life has to offer her.

Its okay to forgive people, hell I encourage it, just don’t put yourself in situations that would make you forgive them again. Let it be a lesson, but learn from it the first time. An old dog doesn’t usually learn new tricks, remember that.

Tristan.