Closure

Closure is a farce! I hate to be the one to tell you, but it truly doesn’t exist. There will be nothing a person could ever really say, that will cause you to ‘understand’ where they were coming from, especially when their actions caused you harm. I promise you, its best to move forward, broke heart and all. Today, I had the opportunity to chat the last man I dated. He wanted to confirmation of his character as his ex girlfriend had opened his eyes to behavior that he didn’t realize he possess. At first I was hesitant, cuz what’s the point of this exercise. However I agreed with her analyst of him, and added a few things of my own.

What was weird to me, was he only regurgitated the negative I said, I let him know, in the version of him I met, he was a good guy but he was selfish, and failed to properly communicate, when it mattered most. He went on to tell me, he was doing some soul searching, trying to understand why he was the way he was. I told him, he has unresolved issues with his parents, which continues to impact the romantic relationships he chooses to involve himself in.

So people, stop writing these long ass paragraphs, trying to get a statement, or an emotion from the other person. When the feeling is longer felt, move forward. It’ll never be easy but it’ll be worth it!

Tristan J.

The Blues

So I’m not exactly going through a break up, cuz he was Never my man BUT I’m finally fully walking away. I always have a hard time letting go of people, especially when I’ve grown to be attached to them however this toxic shit has to go! It really is like men have this radar, when you are moving on without them, something beeps in their fucking head, that says, ‘Call her, Text her,” “And don’t forget to tell her you miss her.” I am over the okey doke, sometimes, NO, most times you have to block their number for a bit. Do whatever is needed to save ur damn sanity, cuz slowly you’ll lose your mind dealing with these types of men.

My only word of advice, and its not even advice, Men know exactly what they are doing. When they say, and do, they have already determined how important you are to them. They have already assessed how much they are willing to do, or not do, so when they show you, take it at face value. If you meant that much to them, they would do all that’s needed to keep you. So, don’t allow them to use excuses, they most definitely knew what they had in you, and IF they didn’t, oh well! Don’t go back babe! Once a shooting star has fizzled out, there’s no rewind button … You’re the Star!

Tristan J

(Ex) Friends

Can you be friends with an Ex?

In my younger dating years, I was able to keep it cute and cordial with folks who previously had the pleasure of my company. However, now, No I wouldn’t want to be friends with my ex. Not real friends anyway, and if we have to filter out the things we’d say, why bother? If you MUST be friends with an ex, how did it end? I’m sure that would factor if you even want to be friends, were you just better as friends? Did y’all start as friends? Would the friendship be restricted to just texting and chatting on the phone? Would y’all go out? Ah, Way too many questions, and somewhere in there, I’m sure is a grey and murky area. Why even go thru the hassle of attempting friendship?

In my own defense, I am cool with a handful of folks that I’ve dated. But I would never invest time into them as a potential partner, again, I also wouldn’t physically go out with them to ‘catch up’. I’d respond if they texted, but I wouldn’t reach out. So I guess, No I wouldn’t be friends with an Ex.

I don’t tend to reread books, I already know the ending.

Tristan Jonez.

Flags of Red

I saw the red flags. Each and Every One, I saw them. When I recognized them, I fell back. I wasn’t that deep in with homie, so I was able to begin the process of walking away. Yeah, he was dope, and treated me well BUT I saw the Red Flags. I fucking saw them! I think that’s the part that annoys me the most about my most recent dating situation, the fact that I saw the red flags, began the process of walking away, but because he pursued me, I abandoned all sensible logic and stayed. Now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I’m better today, than I was a few weeks ago, but still, to have to deal with this, knowing I saw the Red Flags just sigh…

Be better than me, when you see those Red Flags, and you will, be strong enough to know he is not WHO you are waiting for.

Tristan Jonez.

Those Twenty Somethings

My thirty something self dated a twenty something man, and I learned I have absolutely patience for that level of education. Age is more than just a fucking number, Aaliyah Lied! Maybe its because I am a woman, and I know what I like, its hard to teach a man, who THINKS he knows what a woman wants, but ummm no. Fuck No! Maybe Id met the wrong twenty something but I don’t know if I would be open to another cuz y’all… I was exhausted, and not in the most obvious ways. It’s like he wanted to be in charge, in control, but he didn’t have the follow through, that I needed him to have.

As a young man, I get it, you think you know what you’re doing sexually because youre no longer a virgin but I have a few lessons to teach. A twenty something who is unteachable isn’t a man I want to build a damn thing with. Ive never been into dating younger, and the one time I go out of my comfort zone, I get a know it all, who turns out, knows nothing at all.

Tristan Jonez.

Dear Diary …

My My My, its been such a long time, that Ive ‘written’ in you dear diary. I do apologize, Ive just been out here living life. So I know, you hate being kept in the dark, so let’s discuss the dating life … or lack of. But Diary you’ll be proud to know that I am slowly putting myself back out there. Dipping one toe in at a time, although I am coming to the realization, that I may need to just jump straight in. Let’s discuss the latest dating woes.

So Ive been cool with this guy on Instagram for some time now, have conversation fairly regularly, so much so that he expressed his interest in getting to know me, and potentially taking me out on a ‘real life date’ … the dilemma, he lives in Canada. For me, that’s no super big deal, I can fly wherever, and I’m cool with long distance relationships, when they make sense. So I am acting like an interested person, I provide him with my number so he doesn’t have to DM me, he’ll now have direct contact with me. Well I guess that was too much for him, because literally after I gave my number the excuses started. First he’d left his phone at work, which is a believable thing then he’s so exhausted from work that he forgot to reach out in any compacity. My last annoyance came from, I understand being busy, I can understand you forgetting your phone at work, but how is it, you watch all my Instagram stories, and find a way to post your social media BUT you can’t remember to communicate with someone who YOU’VE told you was interested? Chile I can’t! So seeing the yellow flags, I sent a message to him, which took him two days to respond. His response seemed like a genuine one, and he apologized, so I accepted, then asked a follow up question to which, as of today, he hasn’t responded.

I find myself not upset, not even annoyed, but if you have no intention of following through, leave women alone. However whether or not it matters to him, we’ll never have an interaction again, he’s showed he isn’t worth my time. So I’ll focus on those who are.

Tristan Jonez.

Where’s my Lid?

If a man’s words and actions don’t match, leave. If you’re set on staying, always go according to his words. He can ‘show’ you all the emotions and feels in the World but once you start getting attached, he’ll remind you, aht aht, I told you what I wanted in the beginning. If it’s a situation where he’s not looking for commitment but you are, leave. Don’t even waste a second of your time, cuz you’ll see all the great qualities about him, possibly meet friends, learn about him, accommodate him, then when it’s feeling like a relationship, he remind you, Aht Aht, I told you, I’m not ready for that.

Trust me! I know it’s a pain to meet someone then be told they don’t want the same things as you. The dating pool in EVERY city sucks, flight attendant here, so I know, but don’t settle for the now, play the long game. I’m a firm believer, there’s a lid for every bowl, you just have to be patient enough and bold enough to go after what you want. Don’t take a man telling you, he’s not looking for the things you are as a challenge. ITS NOT A CHALLENGE! The likelihood of him changing his mind based off of anything besides his own mind, is very slim. So waste not another second on him. Go out and find your lid!

Tristan Jonez

Dear Diary …

How do you know when it’s time to cut your losses and stop investing in someone? Maybe this question would be better posed to someone who invest in stocks and bonds so we could have an accurate depiction of how the process works. Maybe if we started treating our relationships/friendships in the same manner we do our finances, we’d be more successful? Although everyone’s finances aren’t anything I’d use as a go to guide.

Could we ever create a winning formula for relationships, using the same tools to invest in something financially? what would goals look like? What ‘mile markers’ could be created to determine the worthiness of investment? Could one’s dating history be an indication of anything other than what’s happened in the past? Since feelings change daily, how could we determine when it’s no longer ‘profitable’ to us as the individual to invest?

Tristan Jonez

Take this L.

I’ve outgrown wanting revenge on others. I used to wish karma would get them back immediately when folks would do really shitty things to me. It would be a full on prayer, please karma, I need you to bring in motion what will be as their punishment, and if I’m fortunate I’ll be there to witness it! Please! I look back and laugh now, the best form of revenge is moving forward happily. I know, easier said than done, but once you’ve learned how to master it, it will get easier. People know exactly what they are doing, when they choose to disrespect, violate, and misplace your trust, so why would I give anyone the satisfaction of ‘making a scene’. Nah. Once you’ve lost my respect, there’s nothing left to be said.

In the words of Nipsey Hussle, “When your intentions are pure, you don’t lose anyone, they lose you.”

Tristan J.

Limits.

Ladies stop limiting yourself to the man you’re interested in.

I’m bout to put my business out there but let me be an example. So I’ve been chatting with a guy who I’m very fond of. We’ve been chatting for about two months, and he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in a relationship. Well his exact words were, “I’m not really looking for a relationship but I’m open if one should happen.” Ladies, I took this to mean He’s content being single and no matter how perfect I am, or could be for him will change that. Even for me this sounds strange, but I will continue to see other people socially. I will continue to date and get to know other men because expecting ANYTHING other than simply a friendship is playing myself.

Usually when meeting a man, I would make myself available to and for him. I would show him why I was the woman for him. As I’ve gotten older, I realize I am the fucking prize and I’m not auditioning for a role in any man’s life! If he can’t see what I know then I’ll keep my options open. I do like this guy, he ‘shows up’ as needed but I refuse to make a silent commitment to him when he’s made it clear a relationship isn’t what he wants. Plz make sure you are listening to what a man says he wants, the first time he tells you, it’s usually the unfiltered truth.

Jonez.

Self-Sabo.

Low Key (High Key) I think I’m sabotaging my dating life by entertaining men who couldn’t possibly be good for me. Men who couldn’t give me half of what I am looking for, attracted to me, with the gift of gab, that’s who gets my attention. Ugh. Men who I know don’t deserve my attention, somehow captures it and when they eventually disappoint me, I’m hesitant to cut them off. Double Ugh. I’m sadden to know I’m bringing these horrid habits to a new city. Since I’m aware of the poor choices I am making, I am scaling back a bit from dating.

Don’t worry I’m still going to date but how about we try dating with purpose. Although I loathe writing a long list of what I am seeking in a guy, but maybe that’s exactly what I should be doing. I should have a clear understanding, but flexible, vision of what I’m looking for in an partner. God so help me, if I get carried away, and have a list of fifty thousand requirements. So to be sure I don’t get to carried away once I write down my ‘list’ I’ll post it. I know I know, scary right? And super super personal, but you guys are worth knowing all the intimate details of my life, since I already over share my shit.

Tristan Jonez

FYI – Wish me Luck! XOXO

Yikes.

I know I talk about dating all the time, well at least I think about it often enough, but this time I think I am done with dating. It’s exhausting. Seriously, I do not think I have the energy it takes to really meet anyone. Talk to anyone, actually get to know any damn one. Ugh. No Thank you.

Sure I tell you guys that you should keep hope alive, and push pass how you may be feeling at the currently moment, because there is always hope to be found. But blah! All I can tell you guys, Is good damn luck!

First I will delete all the dating apps I have, they are useless. However I did have success, and haven’t met many amazing men. To keep the balance, in the interim of deleting all apps I will be opened to meeting folk IF they approached me. I wouldn’t be so quick to turn them away. Although I am not willing to change my number, I will be blocking every Ex that still reaches out. No need to continue to give people access to me, when that relationship has ended. I’m sure I will make other changes as the weeks carry on, but this will do for now.

Tristan J.