More than …

I’ll be the first to admit, I have tried, and done everything to show a man, I was the one for him. I was always myself, but I made sure to be what he needed, I was the one he could trust, I was the one who’d be there for him, I was the one who he could count on … and in all that, I still wasn’t the one he chose. It took some time, but I do NOT internalize this, I don’t make it, woe is me at all. Shorty just isn’t the one for me but Ive learned that I can’t overextend myself to fit the needs of others. Especially when those same courtesies are not being extended to me.

In theory I checked off damn there every box he had in terms of what he WANTED but he wasn’t ready. Those boxes, were just for me, to sate me, to make me feel as if, alright girl, I fit all the things he says he’s looking for, so why doesn’t he want to take it further, make a commitment? Cuz he’s not looking for one, could be he isn’t ready for one, but whatever it is, you have to leave him/meet him where he is. Start being honest with yourself about what it is YOU want, and move with those intentions in mind.

In all this, ladies please remember, you are more than enough!

Jonez

According to Wale…

“I don’t really know a damn thing about this love thing but I’m tryna try.”

In the past, telling me you are willing to try this ‘love thing’ may have excited me. Wow! Here we have a man, he’s willing to try but nah, I need specifics. The goal is to organically fall in love, I’m definitely for that, but how you do plan to accomplish this goal? Have you gone to therapy to not only acknowledge your past traumas but to work on finding root causes. How do you show love, how do you want love shown to you? What does being vulnerable look like to you? How comfortable are you with expressing yourself? Your emotions? How can you positively express your disappointments? Your grievances?

I’ve been short changing myself by only accepting the bare minimum from a man as I wouldn’t want to push him too much. I want him to open up when he’s ready, all in due time, create a safe space where he can feel comfortable enough to want to express himself. However isn’t that where we go wrong? Not having those conversations early on so we know what to expect. OMG! The dreaded expectation word! As much as we want to steer from creating expectations we HAVE to. You and your partner need a flexible guide to follow so miscommunications are kept to a minimum.

Elle Varner Pour Me (thinking bout u) ft Wale

Tristan Jonez

First Loves.

Writers Edit: Article first published on Chillology.co

My forever love and first heartbreak is all wrapped in the same person, Lee Sidney*.

If you could imagine a person so perfect, it would be him. I was so very much in love with that man, he was the best friend you could ever want. A man who would go to bat for you, someone you’d want on your team fighting for you. A product of his environment, which wasn’t always the best, but you’d never know by speaking to him. A man of such substance and intelligence, that he could speak to anyone about anything. Lee could’ve been a scholar, a sports star, a scientist, he had the potential to be whatever in life he wanted. Unfortunately his life was cut short at twenty one, and thus my heart remains broken.

We had a meet-cute, obviously unplanned but destined. While I was visiting my twin brother who doubles as my cousin, we just happened to be driving to the store at the very same time Lee is running, shirtless, prepping for an upcoming track meet. I promise the World stopped spinning and he then became the center of my World. I was literally grounded, I could barely speak so he led the conversation once he got in the car and exchanged pleasantries with my twin. From that day on, we were inseparable. When Lee went to college, we stayed in touch but life happened, and he decided I shouldn’t have to ‘wait’ for him, I should go out and live life. Sigh. Three days of no sleep, not being able to eat, and just being miserable I finally stopped calling, and texting. It was clear he meant what he said, and I couldn’t change his mind.

Fast forward, a few years later, and by chance we reconnected during the holidays. Rekindling what we had, and remembering how well we fit together. Unfortunately, he was dealing with more emotionally than he let on and when he finally told me how serious things were, it was too late. My love, had committed suicide. It’s been over ten years since I’ve lost him, but I still remember him, I still cherish him … I still love him.

*Name have been changed.

Tristan Jonez.

Dear Diary …

My My My, its been such a long time, that Ive ‘written’ in you dear diary. I do apologize, Ive just been out here living life. So I know, you hate being kept in the dark, so let’s discuss the dating life … or lack of. But Diary you’ll be proud to know that I am slowly putting myself back out there. Dipping one toe in at a time, although I am coming to the realization, that I may need to just jump straight in. Let’s discuss the latest dating woes.

So Ive been cool with this guy on Instagram for some time now, have conversation fairly regularly, so much so that he expressed his interest in getting to know me, and potentially taking me out on a ‘real life date’ … the dilemma, he lives in Canada. For me, that’s no super big deal, I can fly wherever, and I’m cool with long distance relationships, when they make sense. So I am acting like an interested person, I provide him with my number so he doesn’t have to DM me, he’ll now have direct contact with me. Well I guess that was too much for him, because literally after I gave my number the excuses started. First he’d left his phone at work, which is a believable thing then he’s so exhausted from work that he forgot to reach out in any compacity. My last annoyance came from, I understand being busy, I can understand you forgetting your phone at work, but how is it, you watch all my Instagram stories, and find a way to post your social media BUT you can’t remember to communicate with someone who YOU’VE told you was interested? Chile I can’t! So seeing the yellow flags, I sent a message to him, which took him two days to respond. His response seemed like a genuine one, and he apologized, so I accepted, then asked a follow up question to which, as of today, he hasn’t responded.

I find myself not upset, not even annoyed, but if you have no intention of following through, leave women alone. However whether or not it matters to him, we’ll never have an interaction again, he’s showed he isn’t worth my time. So I’ll focus on those who are.

Tristan Jonez.

Dear Diary …

There was a time when meeting his mother was significant, right? No checklist, but you had to mean something special to him, before you met momma. Y’all had reached a certain ‘level’ before the meeting of parents, but in 2019, it means nothing. Well I want to believe there are still men who place value on introducing women to their family but largely it’s an indication of nothing. Momma may meet a bunch of chicks, and still be her charming, sweet, kind self to each of them cuz her loyalty is to her son, first. It’s not her place to say anything to you, even if she met another shorty the day before, hell an hour before meeting you. She’ll just mind her own shit, cuz who wants to get in the middle of their son’s messy ass relationships?

I don’t want to meet ya momma, and if your not serious with me, you don’t want her to meet me either. Cuz once I’m done with you, years later she’ll still be bringing up my name.

Jonez

According to Wale.

“She gonna find her solace, in knowing a nigga is damaged. She gonna take my heart, cuz a nigga took her for granted.”

Solace n. Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

Now Wale, I can’t speak for all Women, but being with a damaged man, makes EVERYTHING that much fucking harder, especially anything surrounding emotions. I’m sure if we knew PRIOR to catching feelings for this man, that he was damaged, we would exit stage right immediately. Black men hardly want to identify the triggers that caused damage, barely want to explore how to correct those triggers so he isn’t ‘bleeding’ on the next, or acknowledge that he is damaged at all! IF and when, a man gives us his heart after he’s been damaged, its a struggle, it stays a struggle because he stays on guard, just waiting for the moment we screw up then he can retreat back to his shell.

Vulnerability adj. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Falling in Love requires vulnerability. You are literally placing your heart in the hands of someone who can hurt you, but you are placing faith and confidence that they won’t. You can’t be in love and have one foot in, nah. Love requires both feet, and all body parts including your brain. You have to be more than okay handing over the most sacred part of yourself over to someone. I’m sure not Love can work otherwise, damaged or not.

Tristan Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Break my heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

Where’s my Lid?

If a man’s words and actions don’t match, leave. If you’re set on staying, always go according to his words. He can ‘show’ you all the emotions and feels in the World but once you start getting attached, he’ll remind you, aht aht, I told you what I wanted in the beginning. If it’s a situation where he’s not looking for commitment but you are, leave. Don’t even waste a second of your time, cuz you’ll see all the great qualities about him, possibly meet friends, learn about him, accommodate him, then when it’s feeling like a relationship, he remind you, Aht Aht, I told you, I’m not ready for that.

Trust me! I know it’s a pain to meet someone then be told they don’t want the same things as you. The dating pool in EVERY city sucks, flight attendant here, so I know, but don’t settle for the now, play the long game. I’m a firm believer, there’s a lid for every bowl, you just have to be patient enough and bold enough to go after what you want. Don’t take a man telling you, he’s not looking for the things you are as a challenge. ITS NOT A CHALLENGE! The likelihood of him changing his mind based off of anything besides his own mind, is very slim. So waste not another second on him. Go out and find your lid!

Tristan Jonez

Hey Diary,

When your heart is already in it, what body part do you look to for guidance?

The head would be the next logical choice right? It weighs the pros and cons, it can decipher what’s real and what’s just for show, right? Or can it? I’m the first to tell you, when it comes to matters of the heart, just tell me already. Lets take the guessing out of it, cuz I am so tired of trying to figure out who I should date, who I should invest my time with, who I should take seriously. This is all just toooooo damn much! Its such a popcorn culture, you think you’re vibin’ with someone then poof, they have disappeared because they’ve found something that better suites them currently. Are we no longer looking toward the future? Are we only looking towards the here and now?

Tristan Jonez

Dear Diary …

How do you know when it’s time to cut your losses and stop investing in someone? Maybe this question would be better posed to someone who invest in stocks and bonds so we could have an accurate depiction of how the process works. Maybe if we started treating our relationships/friendships in the same manner we do our finances, we’d be more successful? Although everyone’s finances aren’t anything I’d use as a go to guide.

Could we ever create a winning formula for relationships, using the same tools to invest in something financially? what would goals look like? What ‘mile markers’ could be created to determine the worthiness of investment? Could one’s dating history be an indication of anything other than what’s happened in the past? Since feelings change daily, how could we determine when it’s no longer ‘profitable’ to us as the individual to invest?

Tristan Jonez

Take this L.

I’ve outgrown wanting revenge on others. I used to wish karma would get them back immediately when folks would do really shitty things to me. It would be a full on prayer, please karma, I need you to bring in motion what will be as their punishment, and if I’m fortunate I’ll be there to witness it! Please! I look back and laugh now, the best form of revenge is moving forward happily. I know, easier said than done, but once you’ve learned how to master it, it will get easier. People know exactly what they are doing, when they choose to disrespect, violate, and misplace your trust, so why would I give anyone the satisfaction of ‘making a scene’. Nah. Once you’ve lost my respect, there’s nothing left to be said.

In the words of Nipsey Hussle, “When your intentions are pure, you don’t lose anyone, they lose you.”

Tristan J.

Unpopular opinion

If we stop policing the actions of others, our own lives will be so greatly enriched. -Jonez

One thing I can say about myself, I do not concern myself with the actions of others. I can’t. I’ll go crazy trying to steer someone in the ‘right’ direction. Cuz ultimately what is the right direction for someone? What is the best course of action? Who the f*ck knows! But it’s not up to me to direct a grown up. IF a friend is seeking my opinion, then of course, I’m here to give it, and within reason. I’m just not one of those people who’ll hand out unsolicited advice. Unless someone is on the path to hurting themselves. Otherwise go forth my child, create those lessons in which you will learn from. Also, all lessons are not loses, everything we do and say, should be a method of learning as we continue to grow.

My opinions, cuz I’m minding my own shit, changes often as I continue to live my life. As I believe all opinions should. For example, I’ve been relationship oriented forever, unwilling to deviate from that narrative, but now I’m in a situation where I’m learning to assess things differently. Who’s to say, what ‘should’ be my immediate actions, if a commitment is not being what’s offered? Should I place my happiness, over titles? Over what society deems I should be looking for? Over what my friends/family think I should value at this age? And if I am truly happy, should I continue on that path? These are thoughts I randomly have, but unless folks are looking for advice, we have to stop offering. Sometimes a listening ear is all that’s needed.

Tristan J.

Cut It Off?

In this age of dating, stop being so quick to cut ‘a nigga off’.

The options are endless, choices boundless but doesn’t it get tiring swiping right or left? How much time are you actually putting in to get to know someone? A week is NOT enough time to really know anything about a person. Hell, only texting for a few weeks isn’t enough. I’ve had to learn to slow it down, taking my time is never a bad thing. Talking to multiple isn’t a bad thing either, however attempting to date five people at the same time isn’t it! You’ll surely be spreading urself too thin. Although I’m currently getting to know one person, I could handle another, but no one has piqued my interest enough. I’m sure it also has something to do with my moving to another city. Once I’m settled in Dallas, I’ll be out and about getting to know the city, and the chocolate men that come with it.

How long do you average with someone before they are either let go or invested into?

Writers Edit: Red Flags are NOT to be ignored. Just like anything in life, there are varying degrees of red flags, but when getting to know someone, be sure you know what your hard red flags look like so you can judge that situation correctly.

Jonez