Those Twenty Somethings

My thirty something self dated a twenty something man, and I learned I have absolutely patience for that level of education. Age is more than just a fucking number, Aaliyah Lied! Maybe its because I am a woman, and I know what I like, its hard to teach a man, who THINKS he knows what a woman wants, but ummm no. Fuck No! Maybe Id met the wrong twenty something but I don’t know if I would be open to another cuz y’all… I was exhausted, and not in the most obvious ways. It’s like he wanted to be in charge, in control, but he didn’t have the follow through, that I needed him to have.

As a young man, I get it, you think you know what you’re doing sexually because youre no longer a virgin but I have a few lessons to teach. A twenty something who is unteachable isn’t a man I want to build a damn thing with. Ive never been into dating younger, and the one time I go out of my comfort zone, I get a know it all, who turns out, knows nothing at all.

Tristan Jonez.

Almost a Mother.

Originally Written October 19, 2019.

As I fly to my destination, my mind thinks about what life would look like if I didn’t miscarry when I was five months pregnant, I was twenty two. My daughter would be gearing up to turn eleven, as my due date was in November.

Melody Marie Washington. I’m not sure if I’ve ever revealed her name outside of telling my family. We named her Melody cuz she was the heartbeat, she was the song that brought joy to us, especially on the days where the two of us, my ex and I, wasn’t enough. Ultimately loosing her, may have been a blessing in disguise as I’ve gone on to do things I may not have done if I was a mother. As I get older, I still randomly think about her, how I would’ve been as a mom, and will I ever get the opportunity to become a parent.

However I do smile at the thought of knowing my mom, has a buddy in heaven with her, and she’s taking very good care of my Melody.

Jonez

BBJoy

Theres something I find so refreshing in children, especially little black boys, and that’s joy. Seeing them in an environment that promotes, them being their true selves, that just makes me smile. Makes me see all that is right within the World, even if it’s just for a moment. Currently I am watching Les Miserables (2020), and in this particular scene, its a moment of pure unadulterated joy from a little chubby boy that just jumped into the pool. As you watch this film, You’d understand why, at this very moment, I HAD to stop the film and write this.

#BlackboyJoy

Jonez.

According to Wale …

“Met a lot of women, got a lot of niggas, but everybody full of shit, that’s why we back and forth again. My heart severely scorned and you the cause of it.”

Oh Wale, there’s so much to unpack here, with just two sentences. So you’re willing to stay in a “relationship” with this person, although she’s scorned your heart because everyone else is full of shit? Isn’t that how it works tho? Especially in this age of companionship? How many times have we met someone, started to get to know them, then the red flags pop but instead of falling back, we fall deeper into?

If I’m honest that was my plight with my most recent ‘love’. Shorty has been hurt before, probably more than once, but he refuses to seek assistance on how to move forward past them. Then here I come into his World, showing him something different from what he’s used to, being consistently consistent, but he’s hesitant to fully give me a chance. He’ll continue to entertain other women, cuz then he really doesn’t have to face his past traumas or give me his whole heart but I’m not here to ‘heal’ him if he’s not willing to do the hard, frustrating but necessary work. He’ll rather go back to what he’s used to cuz how can you get hurt when your able to control the experience?

Tristan J

Song Lyrics from LOVE… (Her Fault) Ft. Tiller

I am tired of always telling folks how they should show up for me, in certain situations. I am tired of being the example I would like reflected back at me. Tired of being there for people when they need it, but not receiving the same support. I know I cant control the way in which someone chooses to support me, BUT support me. Sometimes I think my purpose in life is to be in service of others, making sure they are okay, checking in on them, etc, but every once in a while, I’d like someone to say “Thanks for checking on me, truthfully, how are you doing?” Being the ‘strong’ one is annoying, cuz folks thinks you really have your shit together and you don’t. Not even close but because you don’t have that ‘rock’ you’re left to pick up the pieces of your life.

Thank God for counseling.

Find your tribe, and love on them hard. I’m still seeking mine.

Jonez.

More than …

I’ll be the first to admit, I have tried, and done everything to show a man, I was the one for him. I was always myself, but I made sure to be what he needed, I was the one he could trust, I was the one who’d be there for him, I was the one who he could count on … and in all that, I still wasn’t the one he chose. It took some time, but I do NOT internalize this, I don’t make it, woe is me at all. Shorty just isn’t the one for me but Ive learned that I can’t overextend myself to fit the needs of others. Especially when those same courtesies are not being extended to me.

In theory I checked off damn there every box he had in terms of what he WANTED but he wasn’t ready. Those boxes, were just for me, to sate me, to make me feel as if, alright girl, I fit all the things he says he’s looking for, so why doesn’t he want to take it further, make a commitment? Cuz he’s not looking for one, could be he isn’t ready for one, but whatever it is, you have to leave him/meet him where he is. Start being honest with yourself about what it is YOU want, and move with those intentions in mind.

In all this, ladies please remember, you are more than enough!

Jonez

Black Tings.

Although Black History Month is over, we are still all about black tings on this site cuz I IS BLACK! Technically, I am blackity black, pretty much black af, you know, BLACK! So the other day, white folk tried it, they had the audacity to leave one star rating on The honeypot company’s trust pilot page. Why do you ask… well they were BIG mad, the founder Beatrice Dixon, expressed how vital it was, that her success could pave the way for [future] black girls [enterprenuers], in the Target ad shot for Black & Women’s history month. Because the racist comments, white women were leaving, black twitter went into action, calling on all of us to combat the negativity with the positivity of hashtag Black Girl Magic. Now, I want to be sure to highlight, it was not only black folk who were writing glowing reviews, Unracist white women and men were also fighting the good fight!

What funny about this Uproar, People who had not heard of the company, was made very aware of the products they create, which is woman’s feminine products. First of All, the company’s tagline, “Made by Humans with vaginas, for women with vaginas.” I personally use the products, and I love them! I call them my power pad. I’ve been looking into an organic, natural product for my vagina which includes pads/tampons cuz she deserves the fucking best! Those same white folk, who were writing those reviews could’ve probably benefited from the very brand they was dissin’. Idiots! So the next time you’re in Target, feel free to stop in the personal care aisle, and grab some panty liners, wipes or sprays.

Thank you for coming to my episode of Black Tings.

Tristan Jonez

First Loves.

Writers Edit: Article first published on Chillology.co

My forever love and first heartbreak is all wrapped in the same person, Lee Sidney*.

If you could imagine a person so perfect, it would be him. I was so very much in love with that man, he was the best friend you could ever want. A man who would go to bat for you, someone you’d want on your team fighting for you. A product of his environment, which wasn’t always the best, but you’d never know by speaking to him. A man of such substance and intelligence, that he could speak to anyone about anything. Lee could’ve been a scholar, a sports star, a scientist, he had the potential to be whatever in life he wanted. Unfortunately his life was cut short at twenty one, and thus my heart remains broken.

We had a meet-cute, obviously unplanned but destined. While I was visiting my twin brother who doubles as my cousin, we just happened to be driving to the store at the very same time Lee is running, shirtless, prepping for an upcoming track meet. I promise the World stopped spinning and he then became the center of my World. I was literally grounded, I could barely speak so he led the conversation once he got in the car and exchanged pleasantries with my twin. From that day on, we were inseparable. When Lee went to college, we stayed in touch but life happened, and he decided I shouldn’t have to ‘wait’ for him, I should go out and live life. Sigh. Three days of no sleep, not being able to eat, and just being miserable I finally stopped calling, and texting. It was clear he meant what he said, and I couldn’t change his mind.

Fast forward, a few years later, and by chance we reconnected during the holidays. Rekindling what we had, and remembering how well we fit together. Unfortunately, he was dealing with more emotionally than he let on and when he finally told me how serious things were, it was too late. My love, had committed suicide. It’s been over ten years since I’ve lost him, but I still remember him, I still cherish him … I still love him.

*Name have been changed.

Tristan Jonez.

Dear Diary …

My My My, its been such a long time, that Ive ‘written’ in you dear diary. I do apologize, Ive just been out here living life. So I know, you hate being kept in the dark, so let’s discuss the dating life … or lack of. But Diary you’ll be proud to know that I am slowly putting myself back out there. Dipping one toe in at a time, although I am coming to the realization, that I may need to just jump straight in. Let’s discuss the latest dating woes.

So Ive been cool with this guy on Instagram for some time now, have conversation fairly regularly, so much so that he expressed his interest in getting to know me, and potentially taking me out on a ‘real life date’ … the dilemma, he lives in Canada. For me, that’s no super big deal, I can fly wherever, and I’m cool with long distance relationships, when they make sense. So I am acting like an interested person, I provide him with my number so he doesn’t have to DM me, he’ll now have direct contact with me. Well I guess that was too much for him, because literally after I gave my number the excuses started. First he’d left his phone at work, which is a believable thing then he’s so exhausted from work that he forgot to reach out in any compacity. My last annoyance came from, I understand being busy, I can understand you forgetting your phone at work, but how is it, you watch all my Instagram stories, and find a way to post your social media BUT you can’t remember to communicate with someone who YOU’VE told you was interested? Chile I can’t! So seeing the yellow flags, I sent a message to him, which took him two days to respond. His response seemed like a genuine one, and he apologized, so I accepted, then asked a follow up question to which, as of today, he hasn’t responded.

I find myself not upset, not even annoyed, but if you have no intention of following through, leave women alone. However whether or not it matters to him, we’ll never have an interaction again, he’s showed he isn’t worth my time. So I’ll focus on those who are.

Tristan Jonez.

According to Wale …

“Thought you’d keep me from cheating with your abundance of Love, thought I’d keep you from cheating I kept you cumming so much.”

Isn’t this the classic case of miscommunication? She’s showing love, thinking it’ll keep him satisfied. He’s showing sexual pleasure, thinking it would keep her content. And in both scenarios, they both cheated. As much as we don’t want to have those necessary conversations we must. We have to. To end up from putting our all into something that we are not ready for emotionally or physically. There are times in my past I had the courage to ask for what I wanted, and the confidence to walk away when what I wanted wasn’t what was on the menu to be had. As much as we want people to want what we want, it doesn’t work that way. I do believe a man will tell you the truth the first time you ask, but after that, he’s going to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear.

I cant love you into loving me. I can be the perfect girl, the ying to your yang and I still won’t be what your looking for. I can love you in ways, you’ve never felt, never imagined you could feel and you’ll still not be ready for me. I can literally show you why it didn’t work with anyone else, you can KNOW I am the person you would like to take that leap of faith with, but if you aren’t ready you will create excuses. So my question, how do we determine when we should fight for someone who has signs of trauma, who can’t seem to let go of the past hurts, and move forward? For me, I need to see some signs that you are attempting to seek out the help that’s necessary for you to move on from what you’ve been through, more than telling me, “I’ll think about it.”

To do List, how to communicate with the intention of comprehension.

Jonez

Song Lyrics Break My Heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

According to Wale.

“She gonna find her solace, in knowing a nigga is damaged. She gonna take my heart, cuz a nigga took her for granted.”

Solace n. Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

Now Wale, I can’t speak for all Women, but being with a damaged man, makes EVERYTHING that much fucking harder, especially anything surrounding emotions. I’m sure if we knew PRIOR to catching feelings for this man, that he was damaged, we would exit stage right immediately. Black men hardly want to identify the triggers that caused damage, barely want to explore how to correct those triggers so he isn’t ‘bleeding’ on the next, or acknowledge that he is damaged at all! IF and when, a man gives us his heart after he’s been damaged, its a struggle, it stays a struggle because he stays on guard, just waiting for the moment we screw up then he can retreat back to his shell.

Vulnerability adj. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Falling in Love requires vulnerability. You are literally placing your heart in the hands of someone who can hurt you, but you are placing faith and confidence that they won’t. You can’t be in love and have one foot in, nah. Love requires both feet, and all body parts including your brain. You have to be more than okay handing over the most sacred part of yourself over to someone. I’m sure not Love can work otherwise, damaged or not.

Tristan Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Break my heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

Where’s my Lid?

If a man’s words and actions don’t match, leave. If you’re set on staying, always go according to his words. He can ‘show’ you all the emotions and feels in the World but once you start getting attached, he’ll remind you, aht aht, I told you what I wanted in the beginning. If it’s a situation where he’s not looking for commitment but you are, leave. Don’t even waste a second of your time, cuz you’ll see all the great qualities about him, possibly meet friends, learn about him, accommodate him, then when it’s feeling like a relationship, he remind you, Aht Aht, I told you, I’m not ready for that.

Trust me! I know it’s a pain to meet someone then be told they don’t want the same things as you. The dating pool in EVERY city sucks, flight attendant here, so I know, but don’t settle for the now, play the long game. I’m a firm believer, there’s a lid for every bowl, you just have to be patient enough and bold enough to go after what you want. Don’t take a man telling you, he’s not looking for the things you are as a challenge. ITS NOT A CHALLENGE! The likelihood of him changing his mind based off of anything besides his own mind, is very slim. So waste not another second on him. Go out and find your lid!

Tristan Jonez