Unpopular opinion

If we stop policing the actions of others, our own lives will be so greatly enriched. -Jonez

One thing I can say about myself, I do not concern myself with the actions of others. I can’t. I’ll go crazy trying to steer someone in the ‘right’ direction. Cuz ultimately what is the right direction for someone? What is the best course of action? Who the f*ck knows! But it’s not up to me to direct a grown up. IF a friend is seeking my opinion, then of course, I’m here to give it, and within reason. I’m just not one of those people who’ll hand out unsolicited advice. Unless someone is on the path to hurting themselves. Otherwise go forth my child, create those lessons in which you will learn from. Also, all lessons are not loses, everything we do and say, should be a method of learning as we continue to grow.

My opinions, cuz I’m minding my own shit, changes often as I continue to live my life. As I believe all opinions should. For example, I’ve been relationship oriented forever, unwilling to deviate from that narrative, but now I’m in a situation where I’m learning to assess things differently. Who’s to say, what ‘should’ be my immediate actions, if a commitment is not being what’s offered? Should I place my happiness, over titles? Over what society deems I should be looking for? Over what my friends/family think I should value at this age? And if I am truly happy, should I continue on that path? These are thoughts I randomly have, but unless folks are looking for advice, we have to stop offering. Sometimes a listening ear is all that’s needed.

Tristan J.

Dear Diary …

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had with my guy recently and I don’t think we consider men’s trauma. Of course we know they have to deal with nonsense just like women in relation to relationships but there’s a “Just get Over it” vibe that we emit. If a woman states, she’s not ready for a relationship, or she simply doesn’t want one, she’s asked a billion questions as to why she feels this way, most times it’s assumed she’s been hurt by a man. However when a man makes this statement, it’s taken at face value. I’m guilty of this, although I don’t usually question women, It doesn’t cross my mind to ask a man, to elaborate his feelings; mistake number one.

Although I am no longer seeking a committed relationship with my guy currently, it’s been interesting getting to know him. Relationships can and will change as feelings deepens. Because he seems as a man who’ll give everything to a relationship, he’s moving cautiously because of the past traumas he’s endured. I haven’t asked him to provide details, not because I’m not interested, I want to know all parts of him, but I’ve found in dealing with trauma, it should be something the person wishes to discuss. He knows I’m a great look for him, however he’s been through too much to move forward with his heart lightly, and I could never fault him for that.

Ladies, I think we have to start being more sympathetic to how men feel. We should be asking questions and seeking clarification when we don’t know something and would like to. I understand a man should be adult enough to speak up but we don’t know what they’ve been faced with prior to entering our lives. I also believe men have to learn how to use their words, when expressing their feelings. If we start creating safe spaces for both, men and women to feel comfortable, less communication mishaps will occur.

Jonez.

In the Name of Fa$hion

My flight attendant classmate turned lil sister Lavonna has been advising me for months that I need to create a fashion site, or a YouTube but nah. I’m just too shy to be creating videos, although I know I do them every time I’m at Rent the runway during #dressingroomchronicles. In my defense, I’m only doing an intro and outro, the focus is solely on the clothes. I love clothes, to me it slightly differs from loving fashion. Fashion is what is created when clothing it pieced together, along with the confidence to pull off whatever you’ve pieced together. I like fashion, I like what I’m able to do when I’m allowing myself to try new looks, when I allow myself to take risks.

I’ve been using Rent the Runway for a little over a year but my time is coming to a close … at least for a little while. After August 20th, I will no longer be a unlimited subscription member. Saying that out loud saddens me but creating a routine in Dallas takes priority for now.

Who know what I’m going to do for clothing now. Ugh! Guess it’s back to jeans and tee shirts. Pray for me y’all!

Jonez.

Be You.

When I moved to Chicago the first time, I had an idea of who I wanted to be in my head, and I did what I could to bring her to life but looking back, I wasn’t being myself. I didn’t know what I wanted besides knowing I wanted to be more than who I was at the time. Although Chicago was my soulmate, I was running from a Love I thought would last forever, a man who no longer made me happy, and a city I was tired of hustling/struggling in. My initial move to chitown didn’t last long but everything happens for a reason. Four years later, I got the opportunity to live there again, and it’s been one of my happiest experiences.

Heading Into Texas, I know myself better. I’m not going there to find out who I am or to create another version of myself. I’m going with the notion that I am Tiffany, a food explorer, Natural body care using, art museum lover, who is ready to move past my comfort zone. I welcome all positive experiences, and will diligently turn my negatives into learning lessons. Ultimately I’ll be arriving into my new city as myself. My perfectly imperfect but fly self.

Tristan J.

Dear Diary …

Men are stupid.

I know I know. Not all men are stupid. Well I think all men aren’t supposed to be stupid but I’m getting the feeling they don’t know that. I want people, men in particular, to match their words with their actions. If you do not want a relationship, do not create an environment in which reflects one. If you do want a relationship, allow your words and actions to mirror what it is you want. I know it can be an amazing thing when a woman is focusing all of her attention on you, but if you know you do not share in her end goals, don’t egg her on.

In a perfect World, everyone would be honest in how they communicate and understanding each other’s wants and needs would be a breeze. As we both know, we do not reside in that perfect reality. So we have to be precise in what we communicate to others but also have the courage to walk away when what’s being offered isn’t what we want.

Jonez.

I’ve perfected the art of being alone. I want to know what it’s like to not ALWAYS be alone. As a flight attendant once the flight is over, and you’re heading to your hotel room, you’re back to being alone. Between my six month and year mark I was ready to quit! I missed having the same set of people like with a traditional 9-5. I was missing the routine of having a routine, of knowing how the day would go.

The idea of always being able to meet new people intrigued me but once I was there, in the mix of being able to do just what I said I would, nothing would happen. As I was there, I am now, I’m tired of attempting to get to know other people and the friendship doesn’t grow. I know very well that folks aren’t me but what do I have to do to create lasting forming friendships?

Jonez.

Functioning.

Until my friend Towanda mentioned it, I’ve never really gave much thought to me being a functioning depressive person. I know there are times when my lows are overwhelming but as always I pick myself up out of the ‘funk’ because what else would I do? What else can I do? There’s no time for me to wallow in all the things that have happened to me. To wallow in my version of the blues. As a person without parents, I’ve learned to depend on myself for my emotional needs. There was a time where I wanted to lean on my friends, but I could scream at the top of the highest building that I need them to check in on me, see how I am doing, reciprocate the things that I do for them, hell even a fraction of how I show up and show out for them, but most don’t.

As a friend, I do certain things out of the kindness of my heart. I know what it’s like to want someone to give a fuck about you, and they don’t. So I do my best to show up for others in a way I’d want someone to show up for me. For example, Mother’s Day gets a bit easier for me, yes, but I STILL am without a mother, so if I am wishing you a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ or checking in with you because you no longer have one, ASK ME HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING! Cuz maybe I’m at my tipping point but its June, so eh. All I can do is keep moving forward.

Speaking to my friend, Ty, she mentioned I am a nurturer and I agree but I need to pour every single drop back into my damn self. So whatever the question, the answer is No.

Tristan J.

Dear Motherless Child.

I love you.

I know what you’re feeling as Mother’s Day approaches, and I’m here to support you as much as you need. As much as you’ll want to isolate yourself, don’t. Or please don’t for very long. Cry, Yell, be angry, and/or Scream as much as you have to but don’t forget to surround yourself with love. “They” lied when they said time heals all wounds, it doesn’t, it just makes you learn what’s really important, what’s really worth your time and focus.

Although I can’t remember my first Mother’s Day without my mother, I do remember locking myself within myself. It remained that way for years to come, I told myself I didn’t celebrate this holiday, why should I?! I was without a mother. However as time passed I realized I was focusing on what I no longer had and not focusing on the many other women who had filled my heart with motherly love at one time or another. Now I celebrate those women.

Your momma may not be here physically, you may not be able to see or converse with her but I believe she’s still near you. Still watching and is part of your daily blessings. Celebrate the woman she was, celebrate the memories you’ve created together, and remember the love she showered you with.

In all things, with all things, let love be your guide.

Tristan Jonez.

PS. Happy Mother’s Day Garlick.

Be Grown.

Since January 1st, I’ve been implementing mission: minding my damn business! Whatever someone needs to do to make themselves happy, I keep my opinion to myself. Even if their decision causes THEM pain, I just be like ‘oh ok’, or ‘wow that’s crazy’. Folks are out here living life, however they see fit, and it’s up to me to continue to mind the business that pays me. Whether a friend or foe, I keep my opinions to myself. There are times when said person wants my opinion on things, and I’ve also been keeping that to myself. Most times, folks are going to do what they want, so I’m wasting my time, getting my feelings involved, when they aren’t going to take heed to anything being said.

I know some folks who would intervene if said person was hurting themselves, but I refuse, unless they were mentally underdeveloped. Everyone I know, and are friends with is GROWN! They are able to take care of themselves, and should be able to make sound decisions. I’ve learned people need to learn for themselves, so who am I to take away their lesson but giving them a cheat code? Nope!

Tristan Jonez

Familia

I share my experiences cuz I want y’all to be better than me. Learn from all the weirdo, dumbass things I do and make better choices. First, I’m mad dramatic but my point is still valid. Don’t let two months go by before you make time for your family. I in fact, have done just that. The last time I was with my family was June 18, so I’mma few days shy of two months but wayyy too damn long. Now that I’m going to see them tomorrow I can just cry, and will most likely cry when I see them. Hell I’m crying as I write this. Although I have been in every other city than my own, it’s no excuse. I will never allow this much time to pass before I physically see my fam.

Life truly is too short. While I’m getting families to and from, safely, my own hasn’t laid eyes on this beautiful face. Pissing my sister off via cellular device, doesn’t have the same effect. Being all in both my nieces business, just don’t do the job over the phone and showering my nephew with love, can’t be felt over the phone. Realize and understand the importance of family BEFORE something tragic happens. I’ll be heading home to New York later on today, and a sleepover is definitely needed!

Tristan J

Luv U.

As much as we may want the very best for our friends. As much as we may want nothing but greatness for them, we cannot be willing to work harder for it than them. Trust, I know that shit sucks but you’ll kill yourself trying to obtain greatness on behalf of someone else. I’ll continue to be there for my friends, I’ll continue to be a listening ear if necessary but I will not longer shoulder their issues. I will no longer accept their problems as my own, looking for solutions and alternatives. No. I can’t. I’ve tasted the sweet taste of happiness, it’s taken me a while to get here but NOW, that I’m here I can’t let anyone threaten that peace.

To my friends, I love you. Sincerely. I want you to learn who you are, trust in yourself and know you deserve the very best from another human being. Trust that if s/he isn’t willing to offer their best, they aren’t willing to compromise to see you happy then Be prepared to move forward without them. Know that it’s healthy to be alone, and it’s necessary to carve time out to place yourself first.

Love yourself.

Tristan J {AKA} Tiffany, Your Friend.

Pieces of my Soul

I’m a crybaby, always have been and will continue to be but I don’t normally get emotional at museums. Well, I wished someone would love told me to bring the tissues. Recently I traveled to Little Rock, Arkansas, first stop, Old State House Museum. Perhaps one day I’ll learn to research what’s on display BEFORE I visit but I’ll admit I’m lazy. However I think y’all know that already.

No secret, I love anything black people related. So I damn there bust out in the ugly cry for the A Piece of my Soul: Quilts by Black Arkansans exhibit. I remember being a young girl and snuggling up to the quilt that my grandmother, Theo Western, kept close. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can almost remember every single square. I’m embarrassed that I never inquired about each patch and the significance. My grandmother has since passed but I was able to find pride in her and this exhibit. Fun Fact: Quilts could weight as much as fifty pounds!

The museum has at minimum two hundred Quilts and proceeds to rotate the Quilts so all can be displayed. Yall know I’m super hyped to return. Growing up did you experience the magic of Quilts?

Tristan J