According to Wale…

“I don’t really know a damn thing about this love thing but I’m tryna try.”

In the past, telling me you are willing to try this ‘love thing’ may have excited me. Wow! Here we have a man, he’s willing to try but nah, I need specifics. The goal is to organically fall in love, I’m definitely for that, but how you do plan to accomplish this goal? Have you gone to therapy to not only acknowledge your past traumas but to work on finding root causes. How do you show love, how do you want love shown to you? What does being vulnerable look like to you? How comfortable are you with expressing yourself? Your emotions? How can you positively express your disappointments? Your grievances?

I’ve been short changing myself by only accepting the bare minimum from a man as I wouldn’t want to push him too much. I want him to open up when he’s ready, all in due time, create a safe space where he can feel comfortable enough to want to express himself. However isn’t that where we go wrong? Not having those conversations early on so we know what to expect. OMG! The dreaded expectation word! As much as we want to steer from creating expectations we HAVE to. You and your partner need a flexible guide to follow so miscommunications are kept to a minimum.

Elle Varner Pour Me (thinking bout u) ft Wale

Tristan Jonez

First Loves.

Writers Edit: Article first published on Chillology.co

My forever love and first heartbreak is all wrapped in the same person, Lee Sidney*.

If you could imagine a person so perfect, it would be him. I was so very much in love with that man, he was the best friend you could ever want. A man who would go to bat for you, someone you’d want on your team fighting for you. A product of his environment, which wasn’t always the best, but you’d never know by speaking to him. A man of such substance and intelligence, that he could speak to anyone about anything. Lee could’ve been a scholar, a sports star, a scientist, he had the potential to be whatever in life he wanted. Unfortunately his life was cut short at twenty one, and thus my heart remains broken.

We had a meet-cute, obviously unplanned but destined. While I was visiting my twin brother who doubles as my cousin, we just happened to be driving to the store at the very same time Lee is running, shirtless, prepping for an upcoming track meet. I promise the World stopped spinning and he then became the center of my World. I was literally grounded, I could barely speak so he led the conversation once he got in the car and exchanged pleasantries with my twin. From that day on, we were inseparable. When Lee went to college, we stayed in touch but life happened, and he decided I shouldn’t have to ‘wait’ for him, I should go out and live life. Sigh. Three days of no sleep, not being able to eat, and just being miserable I finally stopped calling, and texting. It was clear he meant what he said, and I couldn’t change his mind.

Fast forward, a few years later, and by chance we reconnected during the holidays. Rekindling what we had, and remembering how well we fit together. Unfortunately, he was dealing with more emotionally than he let on and when he finally told me how serious things were, it was too late. My love, had committed suicide. It’s been over ten years since I’ve lost him, but I still remember him, I still cherish him … I still love him.

*Name have been changed.

Tristan Jonez.

Life Happens

Today wasn’t a hard day per se, but it was a tough day. A day were I wanted to quit everything, and say fuck everyone. Today was a day where I chose to look in the ‘mirror’ and tell myself to get it the fuck together. I’ve been slacking for the past three days. Nevermind I cooked Sunday dinner, that’s easy, I’ve been slacking on my Spanish lessons because I’ve been feeling so damn sorry for myself. Boo hoo Me. Needing love and attention from certain people but because of their own demons, they do not know how to express love in a way that I need it shown. Its hard living life without parents, especially if you know what its like to have an incredible one. I miss me some Garlick (my momma)! I used to wish for just a chance at a conversation, but I would never be able to let her go again. So I just deal with what my reality is now, and keep pressing forward.

Sidenote; Prior to going to the grocery store, I had made the decision to be done with my Spanish lessons. Tell me why in the checkout line, a Spanish man, decided to have a conversation with me in Spanish. And instinctively I responded to his questions with ease, as he was talking it was like I knew exactly what he was saying, and I knew how I wanted to respond. What a beautiful thing that interaction was. However flirting is flirting in any language so I had to go! What really made me rethink quitting, was seeing his face, as I was talking my Spanish. It was a look of surprise, like oh shit, she understands! She understands AND comprehend beyond ‘Hola”. Before I left he made sure to compliment me on my perfect Spanish! Maybe that was the motivation I needed to continue.

Tristan J

Dear Diary …

There was a time when meeting his mother was significant, right? No checklist, but you had to mean something special to him, before you met momma. Y’all had reached a certain ‘level’ before the meeting of parents, but in 2019, it means nothing. Well I want to believe there are still men who place value on introducing women to their family but largely it’s an indication of nothing. Momma may meet a bunch of chicks, and still be her charming, sweet, kind self to each of them cuz her loyalty is to her son, first. It’s not her place to say anything to you, even if she met another shorty the day before, hell an hour before meeting you. She’ll just mind her own shit, cuz who wants to get in the middle of their son’s messy ass relationships?

I don’t want to meet ya momma, and if your not serious with me, you don’t want her to meet me either. Cuz once I’m done with you, years later she’ll still be bringing up my name.

Jonez

According to Wale …

“Thought you’d keep me from cheating with your abundance of Love, thought I’d keep you from cheating I kept you cumming so much.”

Isn’t this the classic case of miscommunication? She’s showing love, thinking it’ll keep him satisfied. He’s showing sexual pleasure, thinking it would keep her content. And in both scenarios, they both cheated. As much as we don’t want to have those necessary conversations we must. We have to. To end up from putting our all into something that we are not ready for emotionally or physically. There are times in my past I had the courage to ask for what I wanted, and the confidence to walk away when what I wanted wasn’t what was on the menu to be had. As much as we want people to want what we want, it doesn’t work that way. I do believe a man will tell you the truth the first time you ask, but after that, he’s going to tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear.

I cant love you into loving me. I can be the perfect girl, the ying to your yang and I still won’t be what your looking for. I can love you in ways, you’ve never felt, never imagined you could feel and you’ll still not be ready for me. I can literally show you why it didn’t work with anyone else, you can KNOW I am the person you would like to take that leap of faith with, but if you aren’t ready you will create excuses. So my question, how do we determine when we should fight for someone who has signs of trauma, who can’t seem to let go of the past hurts, and move forward? For me, I need to see some signs that you are attempting to seek out the help that’s necessary for you to move on from what you’ve been through, more than telling me, “I’ll think about it.”

To do List, how to communicate with the intention of comprehension.

Jonez

Song Lyrics Break My Heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

According to Wale.

“She gonna find her solace, in knowing a nigga is damaged. She gonna take my heart, cuz a nigga took her for granted.”

Solace n. Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

Now Wale, I can’t speak for all Women, but being with a damaged man, makes EVERYTHING that much fucking harder, especially anything surrounding emotions. I’m sure if we knew PRIOR to catching feelings for this man, that he was damaged, we would exit stage right immediately. Black men hardly want to identify the triggers that caused damage, barely want to explore how to correct those triggers so he isn’t ‘bleeding’ on the next, or acknowledge that he is damaged at all! IF and when, a man gives us his heart after he’s been damaged, its a struggle, it stays a struggle because he stays on guard, just waiting for the moment we screw up then he can retreat back to his shell.

Vulnerability adj. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

Falling in Love requires vulnerability. You are literally placing your heart in the hands of someone who can hurt you, but you are placing faith and confidence that they won’t. You can’t be in love and have one foot in, nah. Love requires both feet, and all body parts including your brain. You have to be more than okay handing over the most sacred part of yourself over to someone. I’m sure not Love can work otherwise, damaged or not.

Tristan Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Break my heart (My Fault) Ft. Lil Durk

Dear Diary …

No matter how much you prepare, you can never emotionally successfully prepare for the lost of a parent. Recently I’ve found myself thinking about if Garlick, my mother, would be proud of me. When asking others who knew her, the answer is always yes, but what if she wasn’t. Obviously we’d never truly know how she would feel. But the question remains, would she be proud of what my life has become? Proud of the life I’ve created? My journey is unique for sure, and it’s different from the life I think she had for me. Hell, it’s different from the life I considered for myself. And although I can’t say if she’d be proud, I know whatever route, no matter how unconventional, she would’ve supported my choices and THAT trumps everything.

Tristan Jonez

According to Wale …

“What if Love is nothing more than a fairytale?”

What if? In all my disappointments in Love, what if I was doomed before I had even started? Doomed before I could really have the opportunity to explore what Love was, What it means to be Loved in a way, that positively changed my life? As I get older I think I am in agreement with Wale … “What if Love is nothing more than a fairytale?” Then I’ve wasted so much of my life, looking, and waiting for the perfect love story. My first love is starting to feel like a story that didn’t really happen. As most of y’all know, my first love committed suicide so I do feel robbed. Sometimes I wonder if I felt the things I really felt, if the love we shared was real, and if it was, why did he make the choice to leave me, knowing all I had been through.

Emotionally I’m not ready to finish this conversation.

Jonez.

Song Lyrics from Cliche, ft. Ari Lennox & Boogie.

Dear Diary …

How do you know when it’s time to cut your losses and stop investing in someone? Maybe this question would be better posed to someone who invest in stocks and bonds so we could have an accurate depiction of how the process works. Maybe if we started treating our relationships/friendships in the same manner we do our finances, we’d be more successful? Although everyone’s finances aren’t anything I’d use as a go to guide.

Could we ever create a winning formula for relationships, using the same tools to invest in something financially? what would goals look like? What ‘mile markers’ could be created to determine the worthiness of investment? Could one’s dating history be an indication of anything other than what’s happened in the past? Since feelings change daily, how could we determine when it’s no longer ‘profitable’ to us as the individual to invest?

Tristan Jonez

Cut It Off?

In this age of dating, stop being so quick to cut ‘a nigga off’.

The options are endless, choices boundless but doesn’t it get tiring swiping right or left? How much time are you actually putting in to get to know someone? A week is NOT enough time to really know anything about a person. Hell, only texting for a few weeks isn’t enough. I’ve had to learn to slow it down, taking my time is never a bad thing. Talking to multiple isn’t a bad thing either, however attempting to date five people at the same time isn’t it! You’ll surely be spreading urself too thin. Although I’m currently getting to know one person, I could handle another, but no one has piqued my interest enough. I’m sure it also has something to do with my moving to another city. Once I’m settled in Dallas, I’ll be out and about getting to know the city, and the chocolate men that come with it.

How long do you average with someone before they are either let go or invested into?

Writers Edit: Red Flags are NOT to be ignored. Just like anything in life, there are varying degrees of red flags, but when getting to know someone, be sure you know what your hard red flags look like so you can judge that situation correctly.

Jonez

Dear Diary …

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had with my guy recently and I don’t think we consider men’s trauma. Of course we know they have to deal with nonsense just like women in relation to relationships but there’s a “Just get Over it” vibe that we emit. If a woman states, she’s not ready for a relationship, or she simply doesn’t want one, she’s asked a billion questions as to why she feels this way, most times it’s assumed she’s been hurt by a man. However when a man makes this statement, it’s taken at face value. I’m guilty of this, although I don’t usually question women, It doesn’t cross my mind to ask a man, to elaborate his feelings; mistake number one.

Although I am no longer seeking a committed relationship with my guy currently, it’s been interesting getting to know him. Relationships can and will change as feelings deepens. Because he seems as a man who’ll give everything to a relationship, he’s moving cautiously because of the past traumas he’s endured. I haven’t asked him to provide details, not because I’m not interested, I want to know all parts of him, but I’ve found in dealing with trauma, it should be something the person wishes to discuss. He knows I’m a great look for him, however he’s been through too much to move forward with his heart lightly, and I could never fault him for that.

Ladies, I think we have to start being more sympathetic to how men feel. We should be asking questions and seeking clarification when we don’t know something and would like to. I understand a man should be adult enough to speak up but we don’t know what they’ve been faced with prior to entering our lives. I also believe men have to learn how to use their words, when expressing their feelings. If we start creating safe spaces for both, men and women to feel comfortable, less communication mishaps will occur.

Jonez.

Crushin’

Y’all! I had the biggest crush when I was growing up in Baltimore .. Lil’ Stevie. He had to be the most beautiful man I ever laid eyes on, killer smile, amazing complexion and just charming, although he might’ve said hey to me, once. I’m sure he could’ve asked me to wait an eternity for him, and I probably would’ve done it. All logic left my body when I had the pleasure to be near him. I’m three years younger than shorty so I wasn’t on his radar. I will say this, because I was the new girl in my neighborhood, everyone knew who I was, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew my name, and maybe even what my face looked like, but still not on his radar.

So some months ago a guy started following me on Instagram and FB, up until recently I had no clue it was him. I had been chit chatting with him like he’s just a regular degular guy, I even half way tried to holla at him. Y’all can’t know how mortified I was when I pieced together that it was him! Lil’ Stevie was real ‘thing’ and I was just super cool about it. However even if he was as single as a dollar bill, there would NEVER be an opportunity. Reality has the tendency to mess with the fantasy that you’ve created in your head. I will not, and cannot allow reality to get in the way!

Although I am now an adult, and I could speak on how I felt as a kid, hell I might could even suggest we go meet up fro drinks and dinner, I want to preserve the idea of how he is in my head. Plus, after drinks all he would have to do is smile, and I’m sure my panties would evaporate!

Have you ever had a crush, and was able to bring ‘y’all’ to life? If you had the opportunity to bring it to life, would you?

Tristan Jonez.